Stifling Of Tomfoolery In The Theater Would Be Appreciated By All

Apparently I made a grave mistake on Friday morning when I decided to take in a movie to start off my July 4th holiday. Since the price of gas is so ridiculous I can't even speak the dollar amount out loud without feeling sick, I really did believe that I would be able to enjoy a quiet and entertaining time at the 10:30 a.m. show. I walked up to the booth, got myself a ticket, and proceeded into the theater. I picked the exact seat I wanted and sank down to enjoy the relaxation of a good movie. I started by enjoying a few movie quizzes and previews. Everything was lovely until, all the usual tomfoolery (which we all know I hate) that often accompanies a trip to see a movie, reared its ugly head. After some thought and an hour and a half of irritation, I decided it would be best to come up with a list containing my very own movie etiquette laws. Hopefully, those who can read, will take a look at this and try to adhere for the sake of others.

1. Stop bringing children under the age of ten to grown up movies. I mean, seriously, it is time to stop the insanity. Nobody thinks your baby is cute when he/she is jumping on seats, crying, talking loudly, crawling around on the floor, or asking a bunch of stupid questions. What makes you think I want to pay my money so that I can spend as many as three hours being annoyed by your brat? If you don't have a sitter, stay your ass at home and catch the movie on DVD. This is getting so out of hand. And stop looking at people crazy when they give you the stink eye for having your baby with you at the movies. In case you didn't know it, the movies are not the same as a daycare. Get it together people.
2. Find yourself a nice soft snack to eat. Who the hell decided that popcorn would be the perfect snack to eat during a movie when there is supposed to be silence? I hate it when a crucial point in the movie has been reached and the dialogue is missed because the schmuck beside you is crunching his popcorn as if it were his last meal before execution. When you feel the need for popcorn, eat a peanut butter cup instead.
3. Turn off your damn phone. A ringing phone is just as annoying as the chomping of popcorn if not worse. Also, if you should happen to forget to turn it off, have the decency to be embarrassed that it's ringing and turn it off. Do not answer the phone and start engaging the person in a conversation about how you're at the movies and yeah, it's pretty good, and yep, Andre is up there with you too but Lill Boo Boo couldn't make it 'cuz his baby's mom is trippin'. This just serves to make you appear dumber than you already look. Take my word for it and turn the phone off.
4. Don't show up to the movie fifteen minutes into it then decide you want to sit in the middle of a row causing ten people to be inconvenienced while you are trying to make your way to a seat. Get there on time and once you do, get your ass somewhere and sit down.
5. DO NOT repeat everything you heard said during the movie. Most of the people in the room heard it the first time and the last I checked, parrots are not welcome in movie theaters (even though whiny and fidgety babies are).
6. DO NOT have a conversation out loud about who you think the killer is. I don't pay money to guess. If I spend $10 for a movie, I don't want to do any guessing. I don't want to do anything but sit and watch the movie.

I hope these little tips on movie etiquette will help all those who read it. Thank you.