My Buddy

Some people live a lifetime without ever having one real friend. Sure, they interact with others and maybe even attend social events with folks but at their lowest or highest points they have no one to comfort them or bask in the glow with them. That, to me, is an incredibly sad existence and one I don't think I would be able to endure.

I'm sure some people are friendless because they just give up based on bad experiences. Backstabbing, gossiping, jealousy, envy, and sometimes flakiness can all make a person deem friendship unworthy of her time. Others may not know how to be a friend and therefore never reach out to anyone to forge a close relationship. And, I'm sure there are some who are just too mean and ornery to be bothered with the lives of others. I feel sorry for them too.

I've always been told if one can say he has at least ONE true friend, she is fortunate indeed. I have come to understand and appreciate that saying more the longer I live. Despite the challenges human relationships can present, I have been blessed enough to maintain some of the best relationships with some of the most amazing people. Like snowflakes, one friend is different from the other but all of them serve an important purpose in my life. All of them enhance my life in ways I wouldn't experience if I didn't know how to have and be a friend.

My closest friend lives far away but the distance has never kept us from our bond. She was with me at my lowest point and it never occurred to me to call anyone else. Another friend listens and gives me the logical point of view when I've lost my way. One makes me feel good about letting my hair down and doesn't judge me for it. Still another relates to me through our love of music and movies. The list goes on and that alone reflects how fortunate I am.

Friendships take work like any relationship. Communication, time, connection, and empathy are of the utmost importance. Without those, there is no friendship. There is only the establishment of a superficial politeness based in nothing. Hurt feelings and anger are sometimes a part of it too. However, when a friendship means something the communication kicks in and smooths out the rough edges.

I don't think I'm a perfect friend. Hell, I'm not a perfect person. Nonetheless, I try my best to be a good friend because I value the connections I've made and look forward to the new friendships I will forge in my lifetime. I know everyone doesn't have it like me and for them I feel sorry because there is absolutely nothing like having at least one true friend.

Tackling Tomfoolery: Wed Dread

Tackling Tomfoolery: Wed Dread

Wed Dread

http://www.sacbee.com/2010/11/06/3164774/blacks-struggle-with-72-percent.html?storylink=pluck_commented

I read the attached article today and was equal parts irritated and disappointed. Though I am the first to admit I absolutely love and completely believe in the institution of marriage and the great importance of a child growing up in a home with married parents, I have to say the theories of some of those listed in this article completely missed the mark for me.

I saw a number of misconceptions and thought patterns on both ends of the argument that lead to generalizations and it concerns me to see these things perpetuated. Encouraging marriage is one thing but promoting it without considering all the information can prove detrimental to those involved. I noticed about six points of contention:

1. Men are irrelevant. - When interviewing 30 year old fast food manager and mother of three with one on the way, Sherhonda Mouton, she expressed how the father of her first child shot her and her baby, the father of children two and three is not an active participant, and that the father of baby number four is "...around. He helps with the kids". She further expressed that marriage is another obligation she doesn't need. I found all of this disturbing. Mouton, like many single women, feel that because they are somehow managing to "get by" with their children it is proof that fathers are an unnecessary evil. How wrong that is. Just as two are required to create a child, two are needed to pour into that child everything they possibly can. Children may appear well rounded, grounded, and potentially successful but that doesn't mean there is no void in that child's life because of the lack of a father. Not only do fathers serve a huge purpose in the lives of their children, they set an example to young boys about how they should be as men, they show their daughters what to expect from a man, and as husbands, they serve as an example to their children of how a husband should function within a marriage. A man's role in the lives of his children is not to be negated and rendered irrelevant. Too many women make that mistake and never consider the ramifications for their children.
2. Women think babies love them. - In this article and many other documentaries, news reports, and personal conversations I've had with mothers, women are of the mind that having a baby will provide them with someone to love them. I can't stress enough how untrue this is. I've never met a baby who loved anyone or one who was concerned about the happiness and well being of anyone other than his or her self. It's true that babies are sweet, cute, and soft but it's also true that they are selfish and demanding. Their sole concern is getting what they need and want. Love is a learned behavior and it comes much later. Lack of love in one's life cannot be cured by having a baby. Babies only serve to exacerbate one's insecurity so loving oneself first is key.
3. Folks think marriage will fix everything. - As I mentioned before, I am a huge proponent of marriage. I believe it to be the ultimate partnership. However, I don't believe in sugar coating it. Marriage is difficult, tedious, back breaking work. It is physically, psychologically, and emotionally taxing and that is in the "good" marriages. That said, marriage has not EVER repaired an already unstable relationship. Marrying someone who is abusive, disrespectful, irresponsible, involved in criminal activities, or emotionally indifferent will not help the children involved in any way. Taking a less than ideal situation and making it even more volatile for the sake of appearances can provide a far worse fate to a child than raising him or her alone. That said, women need to think more clearly when choosing a mate. If he is terrible in the beginning, he'll be terrible in the end. Having a baby fixes nothing.
4. Society places the onus solely on the mother. - In all my experiences reading or listening to people speak, I've never heard a man referred to as an unwed father. However, I constantly hear statistical data and disparaging remarks about unwed mothers. It stands to reason that if the woman isn't married to the man, he's just as unwed as she is. It is unrealistic and unfair to place the "blame" with the woman only. Though the woman is the one who gives birth, the man is just as responsible for the life of that baby. So far I have heard of no movement to encourage men to marry the women they impregnate. Where can I find information on that?
5. The relevance of marriage is not properly explained. - In this particular article it appears as though women were told to get married and that it would be good for their children but there was no discussion on the real relevance of marriage. Marrying only because one is with child almost always proves disastrous. Staying in a bad situation "for the kids" has done little more than destroy the lives of many parents and the very children they were trying to save. Marriage shouldn't be about children. It should be about a commitment to a life partnership between two people based on love, truthfulness, mutual respect, common interest, and friendship, among other things. Simply implying folks should marry because there is a baby on the way is hogwash and changes the intention of marriage into a business transaction instead of an emotional commitment. If more people understood what marriage is intended to be, they'd a) take it more seriously b) get married only when sure of the promise they'd be making and c) stay together longer because they'd be involved for the right reasons. Until that happens, simply admonishing folks to marry because of a baby on the way will only lead to more divorce and more broken hearts and homes.

I saw other things in the article that disturbed me like the implication that marrying a white man instead will fix everything but I only see those as subtle implications and not as the main problem. Marriage is a wonderful undertaking and growing up in a home with happily married parents certainly works to the benefit of children. They seem more well adjusted, happier, more confident, and better prepared for adulthood. That said, marriage alone is not what helps a child become a productive member of society. Many single parents have raised some wonderful and successful children who didn't repeat the cycle. That said, there has to be a realistic approach to the lesson. Touting the virtues of marriage is wonderful but only under the right conditions. In the meantime, I'd like to see more emphasis placed on prevention instead of band aid remedies.

Lame Blame

The past few weeks of You Tube videos shared on Facebook and subsequent posts and discussions about "why black women can't find a good black man" have exhausted me. If it isn't Facebook, it's a talk show or special news report showing countless pathetic professional black women who are perpetually single and consequently pitiful. I am so disappointed in the way black men and women have begun to see one another and wish we would work to find a common ground instead of continuing to tear each other apart.

These days I am quite weary of all the black man/black woman bashing. All the men talk crazy about how wack black women are and all the women talk about how wack the men are and I just don't have the ability to deal with the nonsense of it all. All black women are accused of ignoring decent black men in exchange for thugs and other "n'er do wells". Black men are accused of being able to offer little more than that of an intellectual dunce with the sexual prowess of a Mandingo warrior. Together we have managed to reduce our value to little worth having.

What I see most in the break down of black relationships is a lack of personal accountability, informed assumptions, and truthful communication. Black folks spend so much time finger pointing and building up bitterness they miss their opportunities to love and be loved.

It goes without saying that men AND women are often attracted to what they shouldn't have. I love french fries and know they aren't good for me. However, they are fried, greasy, salty goodness that tastes delicious. I don't love french fries because I am a woman. I love them because I am human an salty tastes good to HUMANS. It is the same with men and women. We choose that which feels good but rarely is good for us. That's human nature, not some sort of gender predisposition.

The day we stop trying to rule one another by way of emotional manipulation, vague communication meant to keep up confusion, and an air of bravado in an attempt to ward off hurt feelings is the day we will all be better equipped for relationships with one another. If is the preconceived notions that continue to keep us apart. The more men and women buy into these misconceptions, the further apart we find ourselves.

I have never nor will I EVER look for a man. No one will ever hear me say I cannot FIND a good man because I believe the Bible when it says, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). I expect to be found, not to find. I believe that is women's first mistake. We are out of pocket from jump when we try to find someone who should be looking for us. Men are seekers and that dates back to the beginning of time. Flirting notwithstanding, I believe men and women have forgotten their rightful places in romantic pursuits. I realize that sounds "old school", but I very much believe that.

I also think as women have become overly aggressive, men have become passive, wussy, and even entitled with expectation that the women chase them. Unfortunately, women do it willingly and the cycle is perpetuated. Men begin to feel as though they are more valuable than anything as if they should be chased. They take advantage of their increased value and use it to manipulate women's affections. Women, in turn, bite the bait and chase after someone who they will never really have.

We all continue to play ourselves because we aren't prepared to perform our roles. Everything is out of order and bad behavior on both ends is often rewarded because one is handsome, muscular, curvy, tall, wealthy, etc... I hate the way we blame one another instead of figuring out what each of us can do to make our lives and our relationships better.

Tiny Bubbles

Yesterday I was exhausted. I work on a job I don't like and the work coupled with the people can prove tiresome. I had a project due in class that nobody on my team bothered to do, I had to run to the grocery store, AND I had to use my lunch break to go get a six month overdue smog check. It was definitely one of those days. Hell, it was one of those weeks. HOWEVER, despite the stress, frustration, and exhaustion that weighed down my body, I still made time to review my sample ballot and get myself to my designated polling place to speak my political mind.

There have been plenty of election days in my 18 years of voting eligibility when I have not felt like going to the polls. Yesterday wasn't the first day I was tired on an election Tuesday. But any time I even entertain the idea of not going to the polls my mind is filled with visions of water hoses, billy clubs, burning crosses, bloodied bodies, and corpses laying in the streets. All of those suffering have faces that look like mine. They had hard days at work too. They had crying babies, overdue bills, and lived under the Jim Crow regime yet they still sacrificed everything so I would be able to go to the polls. Those are the reasons I vote. I cannot justify resting at home on my couch because I have had a hard day when those who came before me had hard lives and still fought for my right to vote. So, hurt feet, hurt heart, tired body, and all - I trudged to the polls yesterday. If for no other reason, it was to say thank you to those who made it possible for me to walk into a booth and fill in several tiny bubbles. There is no other alternative.