I read the attached article today and was equal parts irritated and disappointed. Though I am the first to admit I absolutely love and completely believe in the institution of marriage and the great importance of a child growing up in a home with married parents, I have to say the theories of some of those listed in this article completely missed the mark for me.
I saw a number of misconceptions and thought patterns on both ends of the argument that lead to generalizations and it concerns me to see these things perpetuated. Encouraging marriage is one thing but promoting it without considering all the information can prove detrimental to those involved. I noticed about six points of contention:
- Men are irrelevant. - When interviewing 30 year old fast food manager and mother of three with one on the way, Sherhonda Mouton, she expressed how the father of her first child shot her and her baby, the father of children two and three is not an active participant, and that the father of baby number four is "...around. He helps with the kids". She further expressed that marriage is another obligation she doesn't need. I found all of this disturbing. Mouton, like many single women, feel that because they are somehow managing to "get by" with their children it is proof that fathers are an unnecessary evil. How wrong that is. Just as two are required to create a child, two are needed to pour into that child everything they possibly can. Children may appear well rounded, grounded, and potentially successful but that doesn't mean there is no void in that child's life because of the lack of a father. Not only do fathers serve a huge purpose in the lives of their children, they set an example to young boys about how they should be as men, they show their daughters what to expect from a man, and as husbands, they serve as an example to their children of how a husband should function within a marriage. A man's role in the lives of his children is not to be negated and rendered irrelevant. Too many women make that mistake and never consider the ramifications for their children.
- Women think babies love them. - In this article and many other documentaries, news reports, and personal conversations I've had with mothers, women are of the mind that having a baby will provide them with someone to love them. I can't stress enough how untrue this is. I've never met a baby who loved anyone or one who was concerned about the happiness and well being of anyone other than his or her self. It's true that babies are sweet, cute, and soft but it's also true that they are selfish and demanding. Their sole concern is getting what they need and want. Love is a learned behavior and it comes much later. Lack of love in one's life cannot be cured by having a baby. Babies only serve to exacerbate one's insecurity so loving oneself first is key.
- Folks think marriage will fix everything. - As I mentioned before, I am a huge proponent of marriage. I believe it to be the ultimate partnership. However, I don't believe in sugar coating it. Marriage is difficult, tedious, back breaking work. It is physically, psychologically, and emotionally taxing and that is in the "good" marriages. That said, marriage has not EVER repaired an already unstable relationship. Marrying someone who is abusive, disrespectful, irresponsible, involved in criminal activities, or emotionally indifferent will not help the children involved in any way. Taking a less than ideal situation and making it even more volatile for the sake of appearances can provide a far worse fate to a child than raising him or her alone. That said, women need to think more clearly when choosing a mate. If he is terrible in the beginning, he'll be terrible in the end. Having a baby fixes nothing.
- Society places the onus solely on the mother. - In all my experiences reading or listening to people speak, I've never heard a man referred to as an unwed father. However, I constantly hear statistical data and disparaging remarks about unwed mothers. It stands to reason that if the woman isn't married to the man, he's just as unwed as she is. It is unrealistic and unfair to place the "blame" with the woman only. Though the woman is the one who gives birth, the man is just as responsible for the life of that baby. So far I have heard of no movement to encourage men to marry the women they impregnate. Where can I find information on that?
- The relevance of marriage is not properly explained. - In this particular article it appears as though women were told to get married and that it would be good for their children but there was no discussion on the real relevance of marriage. Marrying only because one is with child almost always proves disastrous. Staying in a bad situation "for the kids" has done little more than destroy the lives of many parents and the very children they were trying to save. Marriage shouldn't be about children. It should be about a commitment to a life partnership between two people based on love, truthfulness, mutual respect, common interest, and friendship, among other things. Simply implying folks should marry because there is a baby on the way is hogwash and changes the intention of marriage into a business transaction instead of an emotional commitment. If more people understood what marriage is intended to be, they'd a) take it more seriously b) get married only when sure of the promise they'd be making and c) stay together longer because they'd be involved for the right reasons. Until that happens, simply admonishing folks to marry because of a baby on the way will only lead to more divorce and more broken hearts and homes.
I saw other things in the article that disturbed me like the implication that marrying a white man instead will fix everything but I only see those as subtle implications and not as the main problem. Marriage is a wonderful undertaking and growing up in a home with happily married parents certainly works to the benefit of children. They seem more well adjusted, happier, more confident, and better prepared for adulthood. That said, marriage alone is not what helps a child become a productive member of society. Many single parents have raised some wonderful and successful children who didn't repeat the cycle. That said, there has to be a realistic approach to the lesson. Touting the virtues of marriage is wonderful but only under the right conditions. In the meantime, I'd like to see more emphasis placed on prevention instead of band aid remedies.
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