Ax The Ex

I try not to subscribe to too many absolutes when it comes to human relationships. I know we are all fallible and at times, vulnerable, so I at least try to make an effort to be forgiving and understanding. Mind you, I'm definitely not a pro at it. Most of the time, when I feel crossed, I'm quick to set a person on fire (at least in my mind) and end all contact. Some of the time, a few weeks apart helps me gain some perspective and the charred remains and I pick up where we left off. However, more times than not, once I set a person ablaze, that's all she wrote. For some reason, I haven't always been able to stick to my mantra of "what gets burnt up stays burnt up" when it comes to exes. Ex-husband notwithstanding, I can say that I have a decent rapport with anyone I've ever dated. I've never cheated on anyone or lied to anyone or just plain done anyone dirty so I can't think of too many reasons why an ex would refuse to talk to me. I have never been the perfect girlfriend, but I do try my hardest to be on the up and up. That said, I recently had an experience that opened my eyes to the idea that friendship with an ex is a terrible idea.

An ex who broke what was left of my heart a few years ago and I recently made contact. It mostly consisted of instant messages and infrequent emails. He apologized for his part in the demise of our relationship and as far as I was concerned at the time, I accepted that apology. He has since settled down with someone else and I got over any romantic feelings I had for him years ago. To me, it seemed like the ideal ex friendship. We were cool, but not too cool. We could enjoy good enough conversation without feeling weird or without my bygoned bitterness creeping in. Coasting through the world of mediocre chit chat felt great - at first. It was all ruined during a conversation in which I was fussing about something (who would I be without a good fuss?) and he inserted his unsolicited opinion about how he always felt I complained too much during the course of our relationship. For some reason, that set me off and caused me to rethink friendships with any blasts from the past.

My first thought was, "Who does he think he is"? I didn't ask for his thoughts on me when we were a couple, and I definitely didn't care. I mostly thought of talk of our relationship as off limits because it was far in the past, I certainly didn't want to rekindle it, and in our case, the cause of the demise was strictly based on his behavior. After my initial anger, I realized that an attempted friendship with him was stupid thinking on my part. Instead of tackling the tomfoolery, I let it tackle me. My level of anger and disgust let me know that his prior behavior lost him the right to be completely honest with me which is an expectation I have of my true friends. It never occurred to me to discuss what I thought were his shortcomings as a boyfriend because our relationship had long since been over and further discussion of it would only cause both of us grief and aggravation. This let me know that there were too many unspoken rules involved in an ex friendship. Unfortunately, I was the only one smart enough to think this way.

Now that I've decided being friends with an ex is stupid, for me at least, I think I'll just stick to the belief that as long as we can see each other on the street and offer a mutual smile and wave, we're good. I know that for some, being friends with an ex is a benefit they enjoy. They meet up at coffee shops, have long long talks over the phone, and sometimes meet each other's new "boos". I look at these people and think, "God bless 'em" because I know that I can never go back there again. Instead of making attempts to be friends with exes, I plan to simply work on being friends first and a girlfriend second with my future exes. From now on, all my exes will stay axed.

Who You Gonna Call?

Here at work it was that time of year to update our emergency contact information. I managed to read the email while rolling my eyes, a task I have mastered over my almost three years of working here. I couldn't remember what I'd put down last year so I thought it best to update my information to remain on the safe side of things. What happened when I opened the email attachment is something that I found more sobering than the strongest cup of coffee; I only had one true emergency contact.

Granted, I am social when I want to be. I have at least four really good friends who I can depend on in a pinch and I know that is more than many folks have. Outside of that small group, I was born and raised in the same town where I still live today so I almost always know a guy who knows a guy when it comes to meeting my basic needs like car repair or where to get a good turkey burger. I'm a member of rather large church and can scarcely go anywhere in town without seeing one other member. I've been a member of the same gym for about seven years. I've even taken to doing some volunteering which is opening me up to a whole new group of people. Regardless of all this interacting and networking, when it came time to fill out my emergency contact card, I had only one true contact and couldn't really think of a reasonable second. Despite my connections and old school friendships, I am still a 35 year old divorced woman with no children and four younger siblings, three of whom living in a different city, and one of whom is still a dependent and therefore not qualified to be anybody's emergency contact. Like many people I know, I am completely unfamiliar with my neighbors. I've been working the same job for a while but only like two people in a building of three hundred. I've been at the same church for almost twenty years but have only really connected with two or three people there. And, I've been a member of the same gym for about 7 years yet I've never had a workout buddy from there.

The implied aloneness really got to me. I couldn't really determine whether or not my lack of an alternate emergency contact was a side effect of circumstance or a result of my own anti-social or stand-offish behavior. Of all the local friends I could think of who would come through in a pinch, only one "sort of" fit the criteria I think would apply to being someone's emergency contact. All this time I'd been living under the guise that I had it good in that I had more than one friend. However, when it came to the possibility of something grave occurring, I had no idea who I could turn to other than my mother.

I considered past scenarios in my life. I'd cut off friends for being dishonest, for being unscrupulous, for having questionable morals, for not showing up when they said they'd show up, or worse, for simply hurting my feelings with the truth. Perhaps some of those in my friendship graveyard could have been my alternate emergency contact. Maybe the guy who wanted to make something work with me but couldn't get me to respond romantically to him was my contact. Or, perhaps it was one of the many who didn't want to date me romantically anymore but "still wanted to be friends" who was my alternate emergency contact. I questioned my ability to hang in there with other people who aren't perfect and to grant second chances like the ones I've been given in my mind while I silently cursed my mother for not having more children when I was a small so one of them could be my alternate emergency contact. However, none of that mattered in the moment.

It is my job to find and connect with those who could potentially be on my emergency card. I need to loosen up my extreme empectation and realize that sometimes I can't even meet them. Simply put; I need to get my panties of the bunch they've been in for a while now. I must exit hermit land, step out of my protective shell, and return to the place where I can connect with others for real relationships and perhaps, a place on my emergency card.