Ax The Ex

I try not to subscribe to too many absolutes when it comes to human relationships. I know we are all fallible and at times, vulnerable, so I at least try to make an effort to be forgiving and understanding. Mind you, I'm definitely not a pro at it. Most of the time, when I feel crossed, I'm quick to set a person on fire (at least in my mind) and end all contact. Some of the time, a few weeks apart helps me gain some perspective and the charred remains and I pick up where we left off. However, more times than not, once I set a person ablaze, that's all she wrote. For some reason, I haven't always been able to stick to my mantra of "what gets burnt up stays burnt up" when it comes to exes. Ex-husband notwithstanding, I can say that I have a decent rapport with anyone I've ever dated. I've never cheated on anyone or lied to anyone or just plain done anyone dirty so I can't think of too many reasons why an ex would refuse to talk to me. I have never been the perfect girlfriend, but I do try my hardest to be on the up and up. That said, I recently had an experience that opened my eyes to the idea that friendship with an ex is a terrible idea.

An ex who broke what was left of my heart a few years ago and I recently made contact. It mostly consisted of instant messages and infrequent emails. He apologized for his part in the demise of our relationship and as far as I was concerned at the time, I accepted that apology. He has since settled down with someone else and I got over any romantic feelings I had for him years ago. To me, it seemed like the ideal ex friendship. We were cool, but not too cool. We could enjoy good enough conversation without feeling weird or without my bygoned bitterness creeping in. Coasting through the world of mediocre chit chat felt great - at first. It was all ruined during a conversation in which I was fussing about something (who would I be without a good fuss?) and he inserted his unsolicited opinion about how he always felt I complained too much during the course of our relationship. For some reason, that set me off and caused me to rethink friendships with any blasts from the past.

My first thought was, "Who does he think he is"? I didn't ask for his thoughts on me when we were a couple, and I definitely didn't care. I mostly thought of talk of our relationship as off limits because it was far in the past, I certainly didn't want to rekindle it, and in our case, the cause of the demise was strictly based on his behavior. After my initial anger, I realized that an attempted friendship with him was stupid thinking on my part. Instead of tackling the tomfoolery, I let it tackle me. My level of anger and disgust let me know that his prior behavior lost him the right to be completely honest with me which is an expectation I have of my true friends. It never occurred to me to discuss what I thought were his shortcomings as a boyfriend because our relationship had long since been over and further discussion of it would only cause both of us grief and aggravation. This let me know that there were too many unspoken rules involved in an ex friendship. Unfortunately, I was the only one smart enough to think this way.

Now that I've decided being friends with an ex is stupid, for me at least, I think I'll just stick to the belief that as long as we can see each other on the street and offer a mutual smile and wave, we're good. I know that for some, being friends with an ex is a benefit they enjoy. They meet up at coffee shops, have long long talks over the phone, and sometimes meet each other's new "boos". I look at these people and think, "God bless 'em" because I know that I can never go back there again. Instead of making attempts to be friends with exes, I plan to simply work on being friends first and a girlfriend second with my future exes. From now on, all my exes will stay axed.