So What Do You Have In The Short, Curvy,Busty, Bottom-Heavy Variety?

So this is the time of year when I always get excited thinking I'm going to come up on the swimsuit of the century. Every damn magazine has a cover headline telling readers all over the world that contained within the pages, in between all the ads that remind a girl how fat and unattractive she really is, is the definitive list of swimsuits for every body type. Ignoring all previous year's disappointments, I grab the magazine off the rack, and flip through the pages until I get to said article. Without fail, I'm angry and disgusted as soon as I see the options. Listed there's always, top heavy (yeah, that's me, check!), bottom heavy (yeah, that's me too, check!), big thighs (sigh, yeah, that's me too, check!), and petite (yep, that's me too. I'm only 4' 11", check!). While it certainly sounds like I'm hitting the jackpot, I'm not, because all of these are separate categories. Apparently there is a rule that says I can only be one of these but not a combination of many. Apparently these articles are telling me that I'm not allowed to go near any water for any reason other than bathing because my body is way too complicated for a swimsuit. Unfortunately, summer isn't the only time of year the media plays with my emotions. It also happens curing the cold seasons when I purchase the magazines swearing they can help me find the perfect pair of jeans for my body type. Alas, I'm always disappointed by these fictitious stories as well. It I let the media and fashion industry decide what's best for my body type, I'd be walking around in a house dress or hospital scrubs. Surely, there must be some way to take all my "attributes" and combine them to make one fabulous article about how a petite, curvy, top heavy, bottom heavy, thick thighed woman can fine the perfect jeans and swimsuit. Hopefully I'll see that day before jeans and swimsuits go out of style.