I'm Mrs. John Doe

I remember addressing my high school graduation invitations (I wrote with a quill then). When the next envelope to be addressed was for a married couple, my mother tried to correct me and tell me that it should be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. I completely lost it. I told her that both the husband and wife's names weren't John so why would I address it as such? She insisted that I do it that way. I stopped arguing about it since she paid for the invitations in the first place but it was to be my first experience with something that still annoys me to no end. The tradition of addressing letters in that way was established during a time when women were considered no more than what their husbands were. Their entire existence was founded in being so and so's wife. Before that, she was her father's daughter. Although women are constantly fighting now to keep equality in gender relationships, we have at least reached the point where the majority of Americans know that a woman is her own person and not just an extension of a men. Unfortunately, there still exists that small minority who insist on clinging to the old school of thought.

Many years ago I worked in a call center. Women would call all the time and describe themselves as Mrs. or Colonel John Doe. I would politely ask, "And how can I help you today, John"? I knew I was being a smart ass but I just couldn't handle the concept of a woman refusing to acknowledge that if she didn't have anything else, she at least had her own name. I know there are many men and women who feel this type of thinking is to radical and goes against the natural order of things but I can never get comfortable with the idea that being married to a man means that I will suffer a total loss of my identity. I mean, our names are the first thing we receive that tell everyone and ourselves, who we are. The name we are given at birth follows us to death. It is more than just a word others use to call us. It is part of what makes us who we are. It is how people recognize us and relate to us. When confronted with the question, "What's in a name?", I say EVERYTHING. Once we give up that name because we don't think it's good enough, we give up a piece of ourselves. Now, I'm not so radical that I don't believe in married couples sharing a last name. I just can't imagine giving up my entire identity so it can be defined by the fact that I am married to a man.

I never again addressed a letter using the man's name as the name for both spouses. I make sure I list each first name or The Doe Family or nothing at all. Some call it being contrary. I consider it part of my silent protest.