During one of my many internet dating experiences, I was approached by a man whose profile stated that he was thirty years old and had four kids. He proudly stated that all four were with the same woman but his marital status showed as “never married”. The old-fashioned part of me kicked in and had me wondering how he had the nerve to be bragging about having four children with a woman he didn’t think enough of to marry. Logically, I know that marriage isn’t everything. Contrary to the belief of some, it does not cure all and it is not the answer to all romantic or family queries. However, this guy’s situation, along with all the other scenarios I see around me, cause me to wonder what people have against marrying one another before making a bunch of babies.
I’ve never been one to believe that a man and a woman should marry just because of a pregnancy. If anything, it can make matters worse if those two people are not ready for such a commitment or if the sole basis of the marriage is the impending birth of their child. I don’t think it’s of any benefit to the child to have two parents in the home who don’t like or love one another much. And while I love the idea of the two parent household, I think it’s better that a child see parents with integrity and dedication to parenting that child in the best way possible while living separately than it is for him to see two miserable people in possession of a marriage license. That isn’t to say that I think marriage is a miserable institution, but it certainly can be when the wrong people marry one another.
Having said all that, I still wonder what people who are supposedly in love and involved in a love relationship have against getting married prior to starting a family or why others have baby after baby and then decide to break up without having ever tried their hand at marriage. I’ve heard various explanations from people I know ranging from, “I always knew she wasn’t the one for me (2 babies later)” to “I’m not ready to do all of that so I’ll just stay engaged for a while”. How is one ready to have a baby with his/her lover but not ready to marry that person? How can one even think about procreating with someone she will have to spend a lifetime co-parenting with and not have any thoughts on marrying this man? How does one have multiple babies with someone all the while knowing that he or she is not a romantic match? Doesn’t anyone take marriage or their children into consideration anymore?
Understanding that we live in a society of free-minded, non-judgmental, liberal individuals whose life choices are not always the same as mine, I wonder why we have come to view marriage as a form of imprisonment instead of an affirmation of the love and commitment that we freely give to another person. I don’t believe marriage is a trap unless one is married to the wrong person. And if one doesn’t think his/her partner is marriage material, then what is the point of making babies with that person? I guess I just can’t see the logic in having children with someone I don’t want to marry (foolish indiscretions resulting in a surprise pregnancy aside).
As I spend time trying to understand this new phenomenon, I will gleefully remain un-pregnant, unmarried, and unwilling to change the former without the latter.
I’ve never been one to believe that a man and a woman should marry just because of a pregnancy. If anything, it can make matters worse if those two people are not ready for such a commitment or if the sole basis of the marriage is the impending birth of their child. I don’t think it’s of any benefit to the child to have two parents in the home who don’t like or love one another much. And while I love the idea of the two parent household, I think it’s better that a child see parents with integrity and dedication to parenting that child in the best way possible while living separately than it is for him to see two miserable people in possession of a marriage license. That isn’t to say that I think marriage is a miserable institution, but it certainly can be when the wrong people marry one another.
Having said all that, I still wonder what people who are supposedly in love and involved in a love relationship have against getting married prior to starting a family or why others have baby after baby and then decide to break up without having ever tried their hand at marriage. I’ve heard various explanations from people I know ranging from, “I always knew she wasn’t the one for me (2 babies later)” to “I’m not ready to do all of that so I’ll just stay engaged for a while”. How is one ready to have a baby with his/her lover but not ready to marry that person? How can one even think about procreating with someone she will have to spend a lifetime co-parenting with and not have any thoughts on marrying this man? How does one have multiple babies with someone all the while knowing that he or she is not a romantic match? Doesn’t anyone take marriage or their children into consideration anymore?
Understanding that we live in a society of free-minded, non-judgmental, liberal individuals whose life choices are not always the same as mine, I wonder why we have come to view marriage as a form of imprisonment instead of an affirmation of the love and commitment that we freely give to another person. I don’t believe marriage is a trap unless one is married to the wrong person. And if one doesn’t think his/her partner is marriage material, then what is the point of making babies with that person? I guess I just can’t see the logic in having children with someone I don’t want to marry (foolish indiscretions resulting in a surprise pregnancy aside).
As I spend time trying to understand this new phenomenon, I will gleefully remain un-pregnant, unmarried, and unwilling to change the former without the latter.
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