And I Wonder

I remember when Arsenio Hall would always bring up strange or senseless things going on in the world and refer to them as, "Things that you go hmmm....". Well, I have to say that I, like Arsenio, often wonder just what the hell is going on sometimes. I look around at what people are doing, what is being reported on the news, and even what folks come out of the house wearing and I wonder. I wonder about the state of my world and I wonder if it's ever going to get better. The infractions range from the minute to the most ridiculous things I've ever seen or heard. Anyway, this blog entry will probably grow over time with entries on that which continues to perplex me because I never cease to be stumped by some of the tomfoolery I see.

• Can someone please explain to me the purpose of the creepy black lady in the Ikea commercials? I mean, who is she? Why is she lurking about in my Ikea furnished bedroom whilst I sleep? And why is this older black woman who by all appearances probably has never shopped in Ikea, the weird spokesperson for the store right now?
• Why do people on tv always eat Chinese food straight from the carton? I mean, when I buy Chinese food, it's for everyone who is eating. We get plates and dish it up. I don't understand why I would need a pint of chicken chow mein all to myself.
• Why is it that whenever I ride by a road worker site, most of the workers are not working? There's usually one guy one a piece of equipment doing his thing while the others stand around and look bored. Why am I paying for this?
• I would like to know why the commercials on tv are ten times louder than the program being watched. It's annoying having to keep changing the volume and I don't like the thought of my television hollering at me. Especially when I'm paying for it.

It's A Golden Rule Too

I've tried so incredibly hard to remain silent on this matter because I hate the whole bandwagon thing and I can't claim to be an expert on something I didn't even see. However, something happened the other night that has caused me to feel the need to talk about this. Just so you know, I'm starting this whole thing off with a really deep and loud sigh. The other night while driving I did something I rarely do. I turned on the radio. What I heard when I turned it on was something that reminded me of why I rarely listen to anything but NPR or cds and how it amazes me that people can be so hypocritical and not even know they are doing it. I'm sure by now you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about. I'm referring to the ridiculous song, "Chris Brown Should Get His Ass Kicked" by Smoke Jumpers. While I do have to admit that the bit was pretty "sick" as so passionately stated in the song, I also must admit that the song pissed me off to say the least. Now before anyone gets angry and thinks I condone domestic violence, I just need to get a few things off my chest.

I remember that at the beginning of each of my elementary school years the teacher would lay out the class rules. One of the top three rules was always "Keep your hands, feet, and objects to yourself". I thought the first two things made sense but always wondered about "objects". I suppose that had to be in the wording for the idiots who would throw a desk at another kid and then argue that he shouldn't get in trouble because afterall, it wasn't a hand or a foot. Anyway, even though the rule is elementary, it's something that I still carry with me today and I wish more people would do the same. Nope, I don't think it was okay for Chris Brown to attack Rihanna, if that is in fact what happened at all. However, I have to say that it is A) equally wrong for a woman to put her hands on a man and B) incredibly hypocritical for radio personalities and anyone else to tout the virtues of this new song while still condoning many of the other popular tunes on the airways.

When revisiting the "Hands, feet, and objects" rule, I noticed that it isn't gender specific. The sentence doesn't start with, "BOYS, keep your hands, feet, and objects to yourself". There is no part B to the rule that says "GIRLS, please understand that boys are required to keep their hands, feet, and objects to themselves but this does not expressly apply to you, Princess". There is a reason for the rule being written the way it is. That reason is that NOBODY should be putting his or her hands on ANYBODY else. As someone who has experienced domestic violence on a personal level, I definitely don't speak to defend anyone who perpetrates it but I firmly believe that males and females are done a great disservice due to the social more that expressly says a real man should never hit a woman instead of decent people never lay their hands on each other in any way that isn't loving. People need to take responsibility for their actions. Not only do men need to own up to their choices but so do women. I've been involved with a few men that I considered hitting over the head with the nearest object but I always refer to the elementary rule and I also consider the fact that I don't want to be with anyone who would make me even consider hitting him as an option. A man that would upset me to that degree has no business being in my life and I feel the same needs to apply to any man or woman feeling the urge to engage in angry physical contact with a significant other. However, this lack of balance in what we teach our children and adults isn't the only thing that pisses me off about this whole scenario. I'm also appalled by the hypocrisy.

My assumption is that Smoke Jumpers recorded that song because they, like many, were appalled that this man (allegedly) put his hands on a young woman and beat her. My other assumption is that radio stations are playing the song ( and boycotting Chris Brown songs) because they firmly believe that what allegedly happened on that night was an absolute abomination. The one time I heard the song, the radio personality's voice rang out with an air of of indignation and judgment as he fervently stated how much he liked the song and its message. What really kills me the most is that while there is a moratorium at many stations on playing Chris Brown music, there is no moratorium on disrespecting women in non-physical ways. There are still hoes in different area codes, bust it babies, pimps on wax, and songs about strippers, groupies, chicken heads, and baby mommas of the worst varieties. It's still okay to "supersoak that ho" all while accompanying it with a special dance. I suppose all of this is alright just as long as the song isn't about beating a woman because God forbid a man put his hands on a woman. However, disrespecting her by calling her a bitch, ho, slut, trick, or bust it baby is all good because that is not a hands on activity. Excitedly, interviewing men who refer to themselves as pimps on a radio show or video show is all good. Seeing your good friend on the street and greeting him with, "What's happenin' pimpin' " is alright even though it is common knowledge that pimps beat their hoes to "keep them in line". I keep wondering when people will wake up. We cannot choose one crime and claim it to be the most heinous against women and then turn around and call the same women we are claiming to defend everything but a nice young lady. That is hypocrisy of the worst degree and sends yet another mixed message whose fallout is something for which we will never be prepared.

Perhaps I'll put out an album naming off who all I think should receive an ass kicking and trust me, Chris Brown wouldn't even make my top ten. Until that day, I'm going to continue to keep my hands, feet, objects, and hypocrisy to myself.

Why I Love The Camera Phone

I hate having my picture taken. I've never been photogenic and have mostly hated every picture other people have taken of me since I was old enough to care. I have to admit that all of that changed with the invent of the camera phone. Now my camera phone pics are everywhere. They are on my My Space page. They are on my online dating page. I use them for my email signature block. Hell, they've even made their way to my family's website. I know this may scream narcissism for some, but for me there is something incredibly magical about self portraits courtesy of the camera phone.

First off, I can provide the best possible lighting for my picture. As anyone who knows me and has been inside my apartment can tell you, I prefer the lighting over my bathroom sink to any other place. It's perfect. It's not too dark, not too light, and the wall I painted green makes for a lovely backdrop. Background is a key element in a camera phone photo.

Secondly, camera phone pictures allow me to take advantage of the mirrors in the house. Sometimes those mirrors can make or break a camera phone pic. I use them to trick the phone and most importantly to avoid taking a picture of myself in which I am seen holding the damn phone in front of my face. I mean, when will people learn to stop doing that? The phone does not belong in the photo! Nobody wants a picture of someone holding a phone in front of her face in what is obviously the bathroom as evident by the hamper and toilet complete with lid up. Geez, let's step up our game people!

Third, I really, really love the camera phone pic because I can change the angles. I've learned that turning my phone keeps my head from looking like it belongs to an NFL linebacker. Holding it at a certain angle also cuts down on the unwelcome appearance of my extra necks and chins. I can also get up close to show off the eye makeup that I manage to apply once every lunar eclipse. The camera phone is a true blessing.

Now, I do have to be realistic and say that I'm still not photogenic. Even though I've learned most of the tricks it takes in order for my pictures to turn out well, I still am working with a five bad to every one good picture ratio. However, at least I have the opportunity to delete that picture myself. I get to avoid the humiliation of someone seeing me in a less than flattering picture leaving me feeling powerless. No longer do I have to stand or sit uncomfortably and wait for someone to take a picture of me while I'm anxiously thinking about how awful or fat or both I'm going to look once that pic is developed. The camera phone has made me the master of my own photogenics. Let's all raise our glasses to the mighty camera phone. Salud.

Just To Get The Booty

Back when I was married, I would occasionally lament to my husband that he had stopped doing all the little things I liked that he used to do while we dating. I would say things like, "How come you never surprise me at work with flowers anymore?" or "Remember when you used to buy me little toys for my desk? What happened to that?" My husband had one standard answer for my questions; "Oh, I was just doing that to get the booty". This leads me to wonder just how many of the things people do for one another during the course of a courtship are actually heartfelt and how many of those things are done "just to get the booty".

Of course many women would say that they aren't just as guilty as the men in these areas but I would have to beg to differ. While a man's motivation may be to get into a woman's pants, often a woman's motivation is to either get in a man's wallet or to get her name next to his on a marriage certificate. I have a friend who desperately wants to be married. She told me that she tries to keep her hair done, her makeup on, and her weight down because she knows this will increase her marketability with men. She further explained to me that once she gets a man to marry her, she will no longer have to do all of the things she did before because she'd be a married woman. Wow, right?

Now some may find my friend's actions pretty crazy but her way of thinking is no worse than my ex-husband's. It's all an exercise in bait and switch tactics used for personal gain be it a change in marital status or another person to add to the "I hit that" list. Perhaps I am of a dying breed, but I am a very firm believer that the things one does to get someone are the same things one should do to keep him or her. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be fooled into la relationship with the allure of certain qualities only to find that I've gotten myself into a relationship with some unromantic, self-centered, nut-scratchin', belchin' and fartin', fool. Especially not when I started out with an attentive, romantic, caring, compassionate, well-groomed, and handsome gentleman. I can't really speak for men but I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about women.

I think a lot of the bait and switch could be counteracted if we all focused on trying to get the most meaning out of our romantic relationships instead of taking the shallow route and just trying to settle for any husband or any piece of tail. When we focus on what's really important and connect to someone who really means something to us, we won't have to worry about him or her just trying to get the booty. We'll automatically be glad to give it up.

Sorry Melvin, You Got To Die

I suppose after thirty plus years of watching television I should be used to some things. Unfortunately, no matter how many shows I watch or how many years go by, I still get annoyed by the fact that the black guy has to be the first to die no matter what show it is. For some reason (most likely lack of anything else to watch) I ended up watching One Tree Hill (yuck) last night. As far as I can see, there are only two black people on the show and probably in the entire town. A basketball coach (of course) and a younger member of the basketball team (go figure). The student goes into a gas station and unwittingly walks in on a robbery where the thief has already killed the store clerk. All I could do was shake my head. Not in surprise, you see, for I already know that on a show where there is one person who stands out, that character will most likely be the first to die. So, the next episode’s trailer shows all the sad white folks going to the boy’s funeral. I don’t even know why I let it bother me anymore. I should be completely used to it, but it still seems unfair. There are, however, ways one can tell the black guy is going to die so that one can avoid watching in the first place:

1)He is the only black person on the show. This means there is no one with which to pair him up (it happens sometimes but is highly unlikely they will pair him up with the white woman).

2)He is a rough around the edges thug in a town full of middle to upper-middle-class white folks who take him on as a charity case.

3)He is needed in order for the high school or college team to win the championship (after the big game, there is no longer a need for his presence so he may as well get killed).

If you, like me, are tired of Melvin always being the first to die, watch for these signs and avoid further annoyance.

Good Grief

Have you ever felt super embarrassed by another black person because you all were in mixed company and the person was showing his/her ass and was too stupid to be embarrassed on his own? While I've experienced this many times, I have to say that it seems to have gotten a lot worse lately. Frankly, I blame President Obama (I looooove saying and typing that).

Yeah, I said it. The worsening of ignorant black people's public outbreaks of idiocy can be directly attributed to our President. Unfortunately, he isn't even endorsing it.

Case in point, I was at a high school basketball game over the weekend. There was an idiot present who has a reputation for being ridiculously loud during the games and this particular game was no exception. During times when the gym fell silent, he thought it an opportunity to holler and heckle the kids. Eventually, a school staff member came over and asked the man to pipe down a bit as he was a distraction/annoyance to all those present. Of course he started getting defensive all while claiming he'd done or said nothing wrong (I'm not an expert but I'm thinking screaming at the referee that he needs Rogaine is pretty in appropriate.) and couldn't understand why he was being singled out as disruptive. As the staff member walked away, the perpetrator's friend hollers at him that this is a new day and Obama is now the President and therefore he needed to lighten up and leave them alone. He also went on and on to me about how the man was just racist. I'm telling you, if it was even the smallest possibility, I would have curled up into a tiny ball and rolled out of that gym.

I can't speak for anyone else but I sure as hell did not attend debates, phone bank, donate money, or verbally campaign for Barack Obama in order for the stupid black folks of the world to ruin it all by claiming his Presidential victory as an excuse to stick up one collective middle finger as a sign of disdain for integrity, and all things decent. I mean, here we now have the first black leader of our country. He is one who is the embodiment of couth and class. He and I have yet to chat but I'm pretty sure he didn't run for the office of the Presidency in order for black folks all over America to start acting like damned fools. If anything, watching this man's success and extremely difficult undertaking should make other black people strive to be excellent instead of settling for the ghetto status quo. We as a people are more than that and should do everything we can to prove it. The last I checked, it was smart was a lot sexier than stupid. Please look into it.

So the next time you are somewhere and are tempted to go for broke and show your tail all while hollering !OBAMA! (like some ancient, this fixes everything, chant), take into consideration what we as a people have riding on your behavior. Don't be a dummy. Barack isn't.

Let's Do Better

I'm not really the biggest fan of New Year's resolutions. I find that they are a foolproof way to disappoint one's self or to make one's self look like the biggest loser ever (and not the good kind that are on tv losing weight). So, with that said, I decided while reflecting on my 2008, that I would not decide on one specific goal but that I would do everything in my power to live my life better in 2009 than I did last year. My consistent "resolution" is to improve in all areas I can with each passing year. So, in the name of all of that, I've compiled a list of things to help me and my people do better in 2009:

• Do regular breast cancer self-exams. Lumps are only good in Cream of Wheat.
• Start speaking life. Cut down on the negative speak and change your reality.
• Read books with more than 100 pages and sans pictures.
• Look up "sans"
• Watch at least two documentaries that aren't about dead rappers
• Recycle
• Stop throwing crap out of your car window.
• Work toward financial independence.
• Give up plastic bags and use canvas bags instead.
• Eat some vegetables everyday and accept the fact that corn is NOT a vegetable, people. Sheesh.
• Smile more. It really will make you feel better.
• Visit a museum. Try to see something on display besides the latest Jordans.
• Learn at least one new word per week. Switch up your vocab, playa, it won't hurt.
• Remember that panties belong underneath clothes and should never be peeking out of the top of a pair of pants or the bottom of a pair of shorts.
• Do some volunteer work.
• Mail at least one handwritten letter to a loved one.
• Buy a cd from a genre that you don't normally like.
• Send thank you cards when etiquette calls for it.
• Learn etiquette. It never killed anyone to know a salad fork form a dinner fork.
• Cook a gourmet meal for your friends.
• Go out of town at least twice for something other than a club.
• Buy yourself at least one high end item be it a purse, shoes, slacks... just get yourself something nice that did not come from a store that sells both clothes and antifreeze.
• If you are a rapper, please refrain from writing a song that contains the words, Obama along with b*tch, ho, p*ssy, f*ck, lick, or suck. Some things just don't go together.
• Pay your bills on time.
• Get your oil changed regularly (at least every four months)
• Brush your teeth before bed (I'm trying to incorporate this one)
• Check your blood pressure regularly.
• Watch or read some news each day (Nope, Sports Center doesn't count).
• Exercise at least three times a week (Yes, pop, lock, and droppin' it counts).

These are just a few suggestions to help us do better and be better for 2009. If you have some you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them!