Why I Love The Camera Phone

I hate having my picture taken. I've never been photogenic and have mostly hated every picture other people have taken of me since I was old enough to care. I have to admit that all of that changed with the invent of the camera phone. Now my camera phone pics are everywhere. They are on my My Space page. They are on my online dating page. I use them for my email signature block. Hell, they've even made their way to my family's website. I know this may scream narcissism for some, but for me there is something incredibly magical about self portraits courtesy of the camera phone.

First off, I can provide the best possible lighting for my picture. As anyone who knows me and has been inside my apartment can tell you, I prefer the lighting over my bathroom sink to any other place. It's perfect. It's not too dark, not too light, and the wall I painted green makes for a lovely backdrop. Background is a key element in a camera phone photo.

Secondly, camera phone pictures allow me to take advantage of the mirrors in the house. Sometimes those mirrors can make or break a camera phone pic. I use them to trick the phone and most importantly to avoid taking a picture of myself in which I am seen holding the damn phone in front of my face. I mean, when will people learn to stop doing that? The phone does not belong in the photo! Nobody wants a picture of someone holding a phone in front of her face in what is obviously the bathroom as evident by the hamper and toilet complete with lid up. Geez, let's step up our game people!

Third, I really, really love the camera phone pic because I can change the angles. I've learned that turning my phone keeps my head from looking like it belongs to an NFL linebacker. Holding it at a certain angle also cuts down on the unwelcome appearance of my extra necks and chins. I can also get up close to show off the eye makeup that I manage to apply once every lunar eclipse. The camera phone is a true blessing.

Now, I do have to be realistic and say that I'm still not photogenic. Even though I've learned most of the tricks it takes in order for my pictures to turn out well, I still am working with a five bad to every one good picture ratio. However, at least I have the opportunity to delete that picture myself. I get to avoid the humiliation of someone seeing me in a less than flattering picture leaving me feeling powerless. No longer do I have to stand or sit uncomfortably and wait for someone to take a picture of me while I'm anxiously thinking about how awful or fat or both I'm going to look once that pic is developed. The camera phone has made me the master of my own photogenics. Let's all raise our glasses to the mighty camera phone. Salud.

Just To Get The Booty

Back when I was married, I would occasionally lament to my husband that he had stopped doing all the little things I liked that he used to do while we dating. I would say things like, "How come you never surprise me at work with flowers anymore?" or "Remember when you used to buy me little toys for my desk? What happened to that?" My husband had one standard answer for my questions; "Oh, I was just doing that to get the booty". This leads me to wonder just how many of the things people do for one another during the course of a courtship are actually heartfelt and how many of those things are done "just to get the booty".

Of course many women would say that they aren't just as guilty as the men in these areas but I would have to beg to differ. While a man's motivation may be to get into a woman's pants, often a woman's motivation is to either get in a man's wallet or to get her name next to his on a marriage certificate. I have a friend who desperately wants to be married. She told me that she tries to keep her hair done, her makeup on, and her weight down because she knows this will increase her marketability with men. She further explained to me that once she gets a man to marry her, she will no longer have to do all of the things she did before because she'd be a married woman. Wow, right?

Now some may find my friend's actions pretty crazy but her way of thinking is no worse than my ex-husband's. It's all an exercise in bait and switch tactics used for personal gain be it a change in marital status or another person to add to the "I hit that" list. Perhaps I am of a dying breed, but I am a very firm believer that the things one does to get someone are the same things one should do to keep him or her. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be fooled into la relationship with the allure of certain qualities only to find that I've gotten myself into a relationship with some unromantic, self-centered, nut-scratchin', belchin' and fartin', fool. Especially not when I started out with an attentive, romantic, caring, compassionate, well-groomed, and handsome gentleman. I can't really speak for men but I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about women.

I think a lot of the bait and switch could be counteracted if we all focused on trying to get the most meaning out of our romantic relationships instead of taking the shallow route and just trying to settle for any husband or any piece of tail. When we focus on what's really important and connect to someone who really means something to us, we won't have to worry about him or her just trying to get the booty. We'll automatically be glad to give it up.

Sorry Melvin, You Got To Die

I suppose after thirty plus years of watching television I should be used to some things. Unfortunately, no matter how many shows I watch or how many years go by, I still get annoyed by the fact that the black guy has to be the first to die no matter what show it is. For some reason (most likely lack of anything else to watch) I ended up watching One Tree Hill (yuck) last night. As far as I can see, there are only two black people on the show and probably in the entire town. A basketball coach (of course) and a younger member of the basketball team (go figure). The student goes into a gas station and unwittingly walks in on a robbery where the thief has already killed the store clerk. All I could do was shake my head. Not in surprise, you see, for I already know that on a show where there is one person who stands out, that character will most likely be the first to die. So, the next episode’s trailer shows all the sad white folks going to the boy’s funeral. I don’t even know why I let it bother me anymore. I should be completely used to it, but it still seems unfair. There are, however, ways one can tell the black guy is going to die so that one can avoid watching in the first place:

1)He is the only black person on the show. This means there is no one with which to pair him up (it happens sometimes but is highly unlikely they will pair him up with the white woman).

2)He is a rough around the edges thug in a town full of middle to upper-middle-class white folks who take him on as a charity case.

3)He is needed in order for the high school or college team to win the championship (after the big game, there is no longer a need for his presence so he may as well get killed).

If you, like me, are tired of Melvin always being the first to die, watch for these signs and avoid further annoyance.

Good Grief

Have you ever felt super embarrassed by another black person because you all were in mixed company and the person was showing his/her ass and was too stupid to be embarrassed on his own? While I've experienced this many times, I have to say that it seems to have gotten a lot worse lately. Frankly, I blame President Obama (I looooove saying and typing that).

Yeah, I said it. The worsening of ignorant black people's public outbreaks of idiocy can be directly attributed to our President. Unfortunately, he isn't even endorsing it.

Case in point, I was at a high school basketball game over the weekend. There was an idiot present who has a reputation for being ridiculously loud during the games and this particular game was no exception. During times when the gym fell silent, he thought it an opportunity to holler and heckle the kids. Eventually, a school staff member came over and asked the man to pipe down a bit as he was a distraction/annoyance to all those present. Of course he started getting defensive all while claiming he'd done or said nothing wrong (I'm not an expert but I'm thinking screaming at the referee that he needs Rogaine is pretty in appropriate.) and couldn't understand why he was being singled out as disruptive. As the staff member walked away, the perpetrator's friend hollers at him that this is a new day and Obama is now the President and therefore he needed to lighten up and leave them alone. He also went on and on to me about how the man was just racist. I'm telling you, if it was even the smallest possibility, I would have curled up into a tiny ball and rolled out of that gym.

I can't speak for anyone else but I sure as hell did not attend debates, phone bank, donate money, or verbally campaign for Barack Obama in order for the stupid black folks of the world to ruin it all by claiming his Presidential victory as an excuse to stick up one collective middle finger as a sign of disdain for integrity, and all things decent. I mean, here we now have the first black leader of our country. He is one who is the embodiment of couth and class. He and I have yet to chat but I'm pretty sure he didn't run for the office of the Presidency in order for black folks all over America to start acting like damned fools. If anything, watching this man's success and extremely difficult undertaking should make other black people strive to be excellent instead of settling for the ghetto status quo. We as a people are more than that and should do everything we can to prove it. The last I checked, it was smart was a lot sexier than stupid. Please look into it.

So the next time you are somewhere and are tempted to go for broke and show your tail all while hollering !OBAMA! (like some ancient, this fixes everything, chant), take into consideration what we as a people have riding on your behavior. Don't be a dummy. Barack isn't.

Let's Do Better

I'm not really the biggest fan of New Year's resolutions. I find that they are a foolproof way to disappoint one's self or to make one's self look like the biggest loser ever (and not the good kind that are on tv losing weight). So, with that said, I decided while reflecting on my 2008, that I would not decide on one specific goal but that I would do everything in my power to live my life better in 2009 than I did last year. My consistent "resolution" is to improve in all areas I can with each passing year. So, in the name of all of that, I've compiled a list of things to help me and my people do better in 2009:

• Do regular breast cancer self-exams. Lumps are only good in Cream of Wheat.
• Start speaking life. Cut down on the negative speak and change your reality.
• Read books with more than 100 pages and sans pictures.
• Look up "sans"
• Watch at least two documentaries that aren't about dead rappers
• Recycle
• Stop throwing crap out of your car window.
• Work toward financial independence.
• Give up plastic bags and use canvas bags instead.
• Eat some vegetables everyday and accept the fact that corn is NOT a vegetable, people. Sheesh.
• Smile more. It really will make you feel better.
• Visit a museum. Try to see something on display besides the latest Jordans.
• Learn at least one new word per week. Switch up your vocab, playa, it won't hurt.
• Remember that panties belong underneath clothes and should never be peeking out of the top of a pair of pants or the bottom of a pair of shorts.
• Do some volunteer work.
• Mail at least one handwritten letter to a loved one.
• Buy a cd from a genre that you don't normally like.
• Send thank you cards when etiquette calls for it.
• Learn etiquette. It never killed anyone to know a salad fork form a dinner fork.
• Cook a gourmet meal for your friends.
• Go out of town at least twice for something other than a club.
• Buy yourself at least one high end item be it a purse, shoes, slacks... just get yourself something nice that did not come from a store that sells both clothes and antifreeze.
• If you are a rapper, please refrain from writing a song that contains the words, Obama along with b*tch, ho, p*ssy, f*ck, lick, or suck. Some things just don't go together.
• Pay your bills on time.
• Get your oil changed regularly (at least every four months)
• Brush your teeth before bed (I'm trying to incorporate this one)
• Check your blood pressure regularly.
• Watch or read some news each day (Nope, Sports Center doesn't count).
• Exercise at least three times a week (Yes, pop, lock, and droppin' it counts).

These are just a few suggestions to help us do better and be better for 2009. If you have some you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them!

The President of the United States of America

I know it isn't the politically correct thing to say but I really don't care right now. I'm gayed out this week. I know some gay people. Some I love, some I like, and some I absolutely can't stand but my feelings about being gay in general aren't what's making me so irritable this week. Yesterday I heard first thing in the morning on CNN, heard on my way to work on NPR, and read from my desk online at work about many folks in the LGBT community being angry with President-Elect, Barack Obama, for choosing Rick Warren to do the invocation at his Presidential Inauguration. The recurring themes I saw, heard, and read were, "We feel this is a personal attack" , "How could he do this to us when we supported and rallied for his presidential win?", "Doesn't he realize what he is doing to us with his choice? Rick Warren doesn't approve of our lifestyle", and my favorite, "How can he pick him when he supported Proposition 8?" And, to be as fair as I can be in my current mood, I understand that the LGBT community is pretty pissed off about the prospect of being denied the right to legally marry in California and were I the one being impacted, I'd be angry too. I recognize and understand that many of them feel disrespected and slighted. I get it. I really do. However, when will people wake up and realize that Barack Obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America? He is not the President-Elect of Gay America or Black America or Financially Challenged America or Rich America. He is the the President-Elect and soon to be President of the United States of America. He didn't run on a platform to champion all gay issues or all black issues. He ran on a platform of issues that impact all Americans and the sooner folks start to understand that, the better they will fair over the next four years. One of the things Obama fought so hard against during his campaign was the possibility of being beholden to special interest groups. While most of us hear that word and think about big oil companies, Hollywood producers, and evangelicals (by the way, where did that term come from? It seems synonymous with "snobby white man who thinks he knows what's best for everyone else"), it doesn't just stop there. It includes LGBT organizations and groups like the NAACP who represent certain cross-sections of the American population and their interests. It seems to me that if we really believe in what this man represents, we will back off a bit and let him do his job for the American people as a whole. It seems completely wrong to me to lord our votes over the man while trying to manipulate him to bend to our will. Besides, doesn't it seem hypocritical to attempt to make the President-Elect force the sort of behavior and thought process on a man that the LGBT community seems to already be fighting against everyday? How can I passionately argue for equality as long as it only applies to people who look like and live like me without appearing to be the biggest hypocrite ever? And since when is who delivers the invocation at a Presidential inauguration so extremely important? Why is persecution of someone for his beliefs okay as long as he thinks the opposite of a certain group of people? I thought this was America. One of the many things that makes it such a great place to be is the fact that we aren't all being forced to think and act the same way. We get to use our minds and make our own decisions whether it be one regarding who we share a bed with or where we worship on Sundays if we choose to worship at all. We get to choose what bubble to fill in when it's time to vote for a ballot measure, proposition, and those running for public office. These are the things that make America great and how can we possibly say we love these freedoms when we don't protect them for all people and yes, that means even the ones who don't think the way we do. I don't think Obama should have to go through a gay checklist before allowing any person to do a job for him in the White House or at his personal parties. And while I'm quite sure I will be blacked out, democrated out, republicaned out, and evangelicaled out many times before the end of the next four years, I still believe we must allow ourselves to think the way we believe while opening ourselves up to respectful and thoughtful dialogue from people with opposing thoughts. In the meantime, let's leave the running of our country to the future President of the United States of America.

He Went To Jared (Ugh)

I hate the jewelry commercials on tv. Two or three women sitting together with one gushing because some guy bought her an engagement ring while the others stare dreamy-eyed desperately trying to mask their envy while hoping that one day they'll "luck out" and get one too. Aside from the obvious sickening corniness of the commercials, I've noticed that the man always seems super calm and somewhat removed as he presents this all-important piece of jewelry. I suppose it's easy to be cool when he knows that the likelihood of being turned down is slim to none. In these commercials women look like desperate damsels and men seem like ring-bearing Lotharios. This makes me think I really hate those commercials less for their stomach-turning corny features and more for what they imply about the relationships between men and women.

I'll be the first to say that I think getting engaged is good news, provided one is engaged to the right person. Getting married is good news as well. (Provided the parties involved followed the aforementioned guideline of engagement.) I'm certainly not against romance and commitment in any way. I am, however, completely against the stereotype of the woman who eagerly awaits the invitation to marry some man so that her life can begin and the equally annoying stereotype of the man who is so aware that the woman is desperate that he can cure all ills with a little rock from the closest jewelry store.

I keep wondering how relationships reached this level of superficiality. I wonder when we got to the point where everything could be fixed with a wedding ceremony. If at least one woman would ask me, I'd tell her that getting married to the wrong person only serves to magnify all the existing problems. It doesn't fix anything. It just creates a miserable existence which is certainly not worth the ability to say she's now "Mrs. So and So" instead of plain old, "Miss". I would tell her how getting caught up in the "He Went To Jared" phenomenon without any real forethought or investigation into who he really is and how healthy the relationship really is for her, can ruin her peace of mind, her good thoughts about herself, and even her credit. I would tell her that just because something looks good on paper doesn't mean it looks good on her life. I would tell her that regret is a bitch and trying to save face in front of friends and family isn't an easy task.

Please don't get me wrong. Again, I totally support healthy courtships, healthy engagements, and even healthier marriages. I love the idea and look forward to the day when I experience one. However, it is that concept women and men should cling to without being willing to just settle for the ring.