Pretty Dead

Today I was having a discussion with a group of people about a twenty year old woman who was murdered by her father. As is the norm, we all agreed the murder was terrible and wished a long prison sentence on the father. The place where we parted ways was when one man implied her death was even more tragic because she was pretty.

Unfortunately, today wasn't the first time I'd heard such a thing. Just a few weeks ago a young woman was shot and media including the newspaper, television , and Facebook all made comments regarding how attractive the young woman was. That incident in addition to what I heard today made me wonder if the overriding school of thought is that ugly and mediocre women should start dying off so there will be more room for the pretty girls to live.

I first considered myself. Though I don't think I'm the hottest thing to walk the earth, I'd like to think I'm fairly attractive. I have all my limbs, my own teeth and hair, and am without extra appendages. I don't have warts, a hump in my back, or a butt for a forehead like a Klingon. However, despite the things I have going for myself in the looks department, I am no tall, thin, long-haired, supermodel. Apparently, this makes me a much less sympathetic candidate should I be tragically murdered.

It is amazing and often disturbing to me how much emphasis Americans place on physical appearance. We vote for people who are handsome or pretty despite our rhetoric about the importance of platforms and party allegiances. We are obsessed with TV shows that focus on fixing what the fashion and beauty industry deem as broken. Plastic surgery and weight loss plans, pills, and programs have taken over television and one can scarcely step outside without being accosted by the premise that there is really only one standard of beauty. It's no wonder why many of us have become desensitized to anyone who isn't "mainstream pretty". However, the images and implications with which we are bombarded fails to be a good enough excuse to devalue human life and tragedy based on physical appearance alone.

Every life is worth much and everyone is beautiful to someone. Of course, thinking of oneself as beautiful, despite what others say, is the first step in battling the nonsense. A healthy dose of self-confidence is a must-have though it is hard to fight against the machine that tells us there is only one way to be pretty. The more folks fight against the established standard, the easier it will be for others to understand that every life has worth and every life is indeed a beautiful one.

Real Resolve

As I mentioned around this time last year, I am not a fan of New Year resolutions. I think it's best for one to resolve to do better each day than she did on the previous one. Self improvement should be constant and shouldn't be saved up and heaped onto one day when one is expected to magically morph into a new and improved version of her previously lacking self. Most days I learn something about myself to be admired or changed and I attempt to act accordingly. That said, this year I'd like to talk about some actions I should curtail as well as others I'd like to curtailed by others.

I'd like to see a moratorium on the following:

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  Ending motivational sentences with the words, "let's go". It sounds stupid, we aren't going anywhere, and anything that mimics Sean Combs is rarely fruitful to the average person. Let's fight to end, "let's go" unless we really are leaving our present location for another.








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  Use of the word "hater". Sure, there are always those who are out to see another person fail and who rejoice in the failures of others but let's just go back to calling them enemies or just not calling them at all. Besides, everyone who corrects you, challenges you, chides you, or calls you on your b.s. is not a hater. Many times that person is your FRIEND.

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  Posting specifics on what one is eating, drinking, or cooking on Facebook as a status update. It may be delicious but trust me, NOBODY cares.

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  Major grammatical errors, misspellings, and general writing faux pas. Let us not confuse them with typos or unavoidable human error. This year I saw a person write something on Facebook about an innocent "bi-standard". This has got to stop.

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  Holding pimps in high regard. There is absolutely nothing attractive, uplifting, or morally beneficial about pimps, pimping, or being pimped. Let's stop touting the goodness of pimping and instead spend that energy extolling the goodness of teaching school, saving lives, volunteering to help the less fortunate, or even formally educating ourselves.

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  Quoting rappers, gossip sites, or your cousin's ex-boyfriend's god-sister's second child's father as reputable sources for important information. Pick up a damn book, watch the news, read a newspaper, or go to a REAL news website.

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  Avoiding activities you think are "boojie" like brunch, snow sports, ballet, plays, watching the news, or movies that don't star Katt Williams. Broaden your mind and discover something new about life outside a five mile radius of your neighborhood.

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  Over-generalizing people, places, and things. Though it may be fine for some conversations it would really behoove us to do a little research and think logically before arguing for a way to lump all things and people into one category. Step your educational game up, son.

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  Behaving as if being knowledgeable is a crime. Stupid is NOT the new smart and ignorant isn't the new well-informed. Don't spend time mocking people who are well-versed in something. This only serves to make you look like an idiot of gargantuan proportions. If you come across someone who is smart in a certain area take the opportunity to learn from him.

There are always steps one can take to improve her life. The best part about positive change is that it often influences the choices of those around us. Positivity can spread like wildfire but someone has to be willing to be the spark.

Dripping Gratitude

Yesterday it took me an hour to get home from work. The normal commute is thirty minutes but the heavy rain coupled with the foreboding clouds and dark sky seemed to make it harder to see. Even though I really love the rain (from my bed under several blankets with music playing and the window cracked ever so slightly), I almost opened my mouth to complain about how wet and dark it was, how long it took to get home, how the extra thirty minutes in the car made me tired, and how I had a lot of housework to do. I logged onto Facebook and saw all sorts of half-serious pleas for God to make the rain go away and observations about how people in southern California don't have to worry about rain the way we do. Again, I started to join the fray before logic set in.

Every morning I get up to take a shower. The water might get cold after a good long while but it never ceases to come out of the shower head. I open my shades and have a view of a huge tree with leaves that help keep my place cool in the summer. When I want to visit water, the oceans, rivers, and streams are always full and when I need a bottle of water after a workout, there is always one available. Obviously, the rain makes all of that happen and after the rain stops, I always seem to be better off than I was before it started.

I look at the rain the same way I look at my problems. They sometimes put me in a place that is dark and the time it takes me to perform a regular task is sometimes doubled because the problem interferes with my ability to be efficient. Despite the challenge, once the problem is solved I feel refreshed and better than I did before the problem started.

Rain is cathartic. Not only does it make things grow, it makes things clean. When we complain about the rain we complain about one of the very elements that keeps us alive and refreshed. I'm sure I will still have plenty of days I want to complain about the rain or my personal problems but hopefully I'll be able to put the situation into perspective and know that I will always end up growing and cleansed because of it.

My Buddy

Some people live a lifetime without ever having one real friend. Sure, they interact with others and maybe even attend social events with folks but at their lowest or highest points they have no one to comfort them or bask in the glow with them. That, to me, is an incredibly sad existence and one I don't think I would be able to endure.

I'm sure some people are friendless because they just give up based on bad experiences. Backstabbing, gossiping, jealousy, envy, and sometimes flakiness can all make a person deem friendship unworthy of her time. Others may not know how to be a friend and therefore never reach out to anyone to forge a close relationship. And, I'm sure there are some who are just too mean and ornery to be bothered with the lives of others. I feel sorry for them too.

I've always been told if one can say he has at least ONE true friend, she is fortunate indeed. I have come to understand and appreciate that saying more the longer I live. Despite the challenges human relationships can present, I have been blessed enough to maintain some of the best relationships with some of the most amazing people. Like snowflakes, one friend is different from the other but all of them serve an important purpose in my life. All of them enhance my life in ways I wouldn't experience if I didn't know how to have and be a friend.

My closest friend lives far away but the distance has never kept us from our bond. She was with me at my lowest point and it never occurred to me to call anyone else. Another friend listens and gives me the logical point of view when I've lost my way. One makes me feel good about letting my hair down and doesn't judge me for it. Still another relates to me through our love of music and movies. The list goes on and that alone reflects how fortunate I am.

Friendships take work like any relationship. Communication, time, connection, and empathy are of the utmost importance. Without those, there is no friendship. There is only the establishment of a superficial politeness based in nothing. Hurt feelings and anger are sometimes a part of it too. However, when a friendship means something the communication kicks in and smooths out the rough edges.

I don't think I'm a perfect friend. Hell, I'm not a perfect person. Nonetheless, I try my best to be a good friend because I value the connections I've made and look forward to the new friendships I will forge in my lifetime. I know everyone doesn't have it like me and for them I feel sorry because there is absolutely nothing like having at least one true friend.

Tackling Tomfoolery: Wed Dread

Tackling Tomfoolery: Wed Dread

Wed Dread

http://www.sacbee.com/2010/11/06/3164774/blacks-struggle-with-72-percent.html?storylink=pluck_commented

I read the attached article today and was equal parts irritated and disappointed. Though I am the first to admit I absolutely love and completely believe in the institution of marriage and the great importance of a child growing up in a home with married parents, I have to say the theories of some of those listed in this article completely missed the mark for me.

I saw a number of misconceptions and thought patterns on both ends of the argument that lead to generalizations and it concerns me to see these things perpetuated. Encouraging marriage is one thing but promoting it without considering all the information can prove detrimental to those involved. I noticed about six points of contention:

1. Men are irrelevant. - When interviewing 30 year old fast food manager and mother of three with one on the way, Sherhonda Mouton, she expressed how the father of her first child shot her and her baby, the father of children two and three is not an active participant, and that the father of baby number four is "...around. He helps with the kids". She further expressed that marriage is another obligation she doesn't need. I found all of this disturbing. Mouton, like many single women, feel that because they are somehow managing to "get by" with their children it is proof that fathers are an unnecessary evil. How wrong that is. Just as two are required to create a child, two are needed to pour into that child everything they possibly can. Children may appear well rounded, grounded, and potentially successful but that doesn't mean there is no void in that child's life because of the lack of a father. Not only do fathers serve a huge purpose in the lives of their children, they set an example to young boys about how they should be as men, they show their daughters what to expect from a man, and as husbands, they serve as an example to their children of how a husband should function within a marriage. A man's role in the lives of his children is not to be negated and rendered irrelevant. Too many women make that mistake and never consider the ramifications for their children.
2. Women think babies love them. - In this article and many other documentaries, news reports, and personal conversations I've had with mothers, women are of the mind that having a baby will provide them with someone to love them. I can't stress enough how untrue this is. I've never met a baby who loved anyone or one who was concerned about the happiness and well being of anyone other than his or her self. It's true that babies are sweet, cute, and soft but it's also true that they are selfish and demanding. Their sole concern is getting what they need and want. Love is a learned behavior and it comes much later. Lack of love in one's life cannot be cured by having a baby. Babies only serve to exacerbate one's insecurity so loving oneself first is key.
3. Folks think marriage will fix everything. - As I mentioned before, I am a huge proponent of marriage. I believe it to be the ultimate partnership. However, I don't believe in sugar coating it. Marriage is difficult, tedious, back breaking work. It is physically, psychologically, and emotionally taxing and that is in the "good" marriages. That said, marriage has not EVER repaired an already unstable relationship. Marrying someone who is abusive, disrespectful, irresponsible, involved in criminal activities, or emotionally indifferent will not help the children involved in any way. Taking a less than ideal situation and making it even more volatile for the sake of appearances can provide a far worse fate to a child than raising him or her alone. That said, women need to think more clearly when choosing a mate. If he is terrible in the beginning, he'll be terrible in the end. Having a baby fixes nothing.
4. Society places the onus solely on the mother. - In all my experiences reading or listening to people speak, I've never heard a man referred to as an unwed father. However, I constantly hear statistical data and disparaging remarks about unwed mothers. It stands to reason that if the woman isn't married to the man, he's just as unwed as she is. It is unrealistic and unfair to place the "blame" with the woman only. Though the woman is the one who gives birth, the man is just as responsible for the life of that baby. So far I have heard of no movement to encourage men to marry the women they impregnate. Where can I find information on that?
5. The relevance of marriage is not properly explained. - In this particular article it appears as though women were told to get married and that it would be good for their children but there was no discussion on the real relevance of marriage. Marrying only because one is with child almost always proves disastrous. Staying in a bad situation "for the kids" has done little more than destroy the lives of many parents and the very children they were trying to save. Marriage shouldn't be about children. It should be about a commitment to a life partnership between two people based on love, truthfulness, mutual respect, common interest, and friendship, among other things. Simply implying folks should marry because there is a baby on the way is hogwash and changes the intention of marriage into a business transaction instead of an emotional commitment. If more people understood what marriage is intended to be, they'd a) take it more seriously b) get married only when sure of the promise they'd be making and c) stay together longer because they'd be involved for the right reasons. Until that happens, simply admonishing folks to marry because of a baby on the way will only lead to more divorce and more broken hearts and homes.

I saw other things in the article that disturbed me like the implication that marrying a white man instead will fix everything but I only see those as subtle implications and not as the main problem. Marriage is a wonderful undertaking and growing up in a home with happily married parents certainly works to the benefit of children. They seem more well adjusted, happier, more confident, and better prepared for adulthood. That said, marriage alone is not what helps a child become a productive member of society. Many single parents have raised some wonderful and successful children who didn't repeat the cycle. That said, there has to be a realistic approach to the lesson. Touting the virtues of marriage is wonderful but only under the right conditions. In the meantime, I'd like to see more emphasis placed on prevention instead of band aid remedies.

Lame Blame

The past few weeks of You Tube videos shared on Facebook and subsequent posts and discussions about "why black women can't find a good black man" have exhausted me. If it isn't Facebook, it's a talk show or special news report showing countless pathetic professional black women who are perpetually single and consequently pitiful. I am so disappointed in the way black men and women have begun to see one another and wish we would work to find a common ground instead of continuing to tear each other apart.

These days I am quite weary of all the black man/black woman bashing. All the men talk crazy about how wack black women are and all the women talk about how wack the men are and I just don't have the ability to deal with the nonsense of it all. All black women are accused of ignoring decent black men in exchange for thugs and other "n'er do wells". Black men are accused of being able to offer little more than that of an intellectual dunce with the sexual prowess of a Mandingo warrior. Together we have managed to reduce our value to little worth having.

What I see most in the break down of black relationships is a lack of personal accountability, informed assumptions, and truthful communication. Black folks spend so much time finger pointing and building up bitterness they miss their opportunities to love and be loved.

It goes without saying that men AND women are often attracted to what they shouldn't have. I love french fries and know they aren't good for me. However, they are fried, greasy, salty goodness that tastes delicious. I don't love french fries because I am a woman. I love them because I am human an salty tastes good to HUMANS. It is the same with men and women. We choose that which feels good but rarely is good for us. That's human nature, not some sort of gender predisposition.

The day we stop trying to rule one another by way of emotional manipulation, vague communication meant to keep up confusion, and an air of bravado in an attempt to ward off hurt feelings is the day we will all be better equipped for relationships with one another. If is the preconceived notions that continue to keep us apart. The more men and women buy into these misconceptions, the further apart we find ourselves.

I have never nor will I EVER look for a man. No one will ever hear me say I cannot FIND a good man because I believe the Bible when it says, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). I expect to be found, not to find. I believe that is women's first mistake. We are out of pocket from jump when we try to find someone who should be looking for us. Men are seekers and that dates back to the beginning of time. Flirting notwithstanding, I believe men and women have forgotten their rightful places in romantic pursuits. I realize that sounds "old school", but I very much believe that.

I also think as women have become overly aggressive, men have become passive, wussy, and even entitled with expectation that the women chase them. Unfortunately, women do it willingly and the cycle is perpetuated. Men begin to feel as though they are more valuable than anything as if they should be chased. They take advantage of their increased value and use it to manipulate women's affections. Women, in turn, bite the bait and chase after someone who they will never really have.

We all continue to play ourselves because we aren't prepared to perform our roles. Everything is out of order and bad behavior on both ends is often rewarded because one is handsome, muscular, curvy, tall, wealthy, etc... I hate the way we blame one another instead of figuring out what each of us can do to make our lives and our relationships better.