Selective Redemption

I haven't had much to say about the whole Mike Vick debacle. Initially I felt that he was definitely guilty of wrongdoing and broke the laws of his state therefore warranting punishment of some sort. However, I really was annoyed that so much was made out of the incident considering professional athletes and celebrities who have shot, killed, beaten, and run HUMANS over with cars. And while I believe that animals should not be subject to cruel treatment at the hands of humans, I also do not hold their lives in the same esteem as that of people. That said, Vick received the punishment the courts assigned him, served his time, and is now trying to go back to some semblance of normalcy which brings me to my rant. I'm very tired of the media and special interest groups trying to analyze this man's every move, word, eye blink, and hand gesture in an attempt to determine if he is really remorseful.

I don't know Mike Vick and probably never will but I feel comfortable in assuming that any reasonable person who commits a crime or facilitates a situation so that others can commit crimes is convicted and serves prison time causing him to lose MILLIONS of dollars, public standing, his reputation, residency in his own home, contact with his very young child, and the respect of many of his peers, he would be be pretty darn sorry about it. As I see it, he lost far more than the world lost when all of those dogs were mutilated, electrocuted, drowned, and beaten. But in all this, what I really wonder is why folks are so up in arms about this man and his bad acts yet people like Andrea Yates can drown all five of her children and garnish sympathy from civil rights groups for women and a mental health watchdog group formed by the Church of Scientology. It was implied that it should be understandable for her to drown her children because she was sick and sad. However, had she killed five dogs instead of five children, that apparently would have been unacceptable. Former Washington D.C. mayor, Marion Barry, was caught on tape smoking crack cocaine, an offense for which he was sentenced to six months in prison, and he also plead guilty to misdemeanor charges stemming from not paying taxes. In spite of all of this, voters still loved him and he was eventually elected to a second term as mayor.

Don't get me wrong, I believe Marion Barry deserved a second chance, though he would not have had my vote. I mean, isn't America the home of second chances? I would think a country formed by folks who needed a new life and a second chance would be sympathetic toward the redemption concept. Barry served his time and made whatever changes were necessary in order for him to get back to his initial standing and now, Michael Vick is doing the same. People advocated for Barry and Yates which causes me to wonder why few seem to be doing the same type of advocating for Mike Vick. The only conclusion I seem to be able to draw is that murder and a mayor crack smoking in a seedy hotel are alright and much less offensive than killing and torturing dogs.

I resent the idea that any of us can judge whether or not another feels remorse. Does everyone have to cry, beg, or engage in some sackcloth and ash action in order to satisfy the public's need to see the humiliation of others? Since none of us know straight away the intentions of others, I think it best we collectively shut up and watch the game.

Get Married Already

During one of my many internet dating experiences, I was approached by a man whose profile stated that he was thirty years old and had four kids. He proudly stated that all four were with the same woman but his marital status showed as “never married”. The old-fashioned part of me kicked in and had me wondering how he had the nerve to be bragging about having four children with a woman he didn’t think enough of to marry. Logically, I know that marriage isn’t everything. Contrary to the belief of some, it does not cure all and it is not the answer to all romantic or family queries. However, this guy’s situation, along with all the other scenarios I see around me, cause me to wonder what people have against marrying one another before making a bunch of babies.

I’ve never been one to believe that a man and a woman should marry just because of a pregnancy. If anything, it can make matters worse if those two people are not ready for such a commitment or if the sole basis of the marriage is the impending birth of their child. I don’t think it’s of any benefit to the child to have two parents in the home who don’t like or love one another much. And while I love the idea of the two parent household, I think it’s better that a child see parents with integrity and dedication to parenting that child in the best way possible while living separately than it is for him to see two miserable people in possession of a marriage license. That isn’t to say that I think marriage is a miserable institution, but it certainly can be when the wrong people marry one another.

Having said all that, I still wonder what people who are supposedly in love and involved in a love relationship have against getting married prior to starting a family or why others have baby after baby and then decide to break up without having ever tried their hand at marriage. I’ve heard various explanations from people I know ranging from, “I always knew she wasn’t the one for me (2 babies later)” to “I’m not ready to do all of that so I’ll just stay engaged for a while”. How is one ready to have a baby with his/her lover but not ready to marry that person? How can one even think about procreating with someone she will have to spend a lifetime co-parenting with and not have any thoughts on marrying this man? How does one have multiple babies with someone all the while knowing that he or she is not a romantic match? Doesn’t anyone take marriage or their children into consideration anymore?

Understanding that we live in a society of free-minded, non-judgmental, liberal individuals whose life choices are not always the same as mine, I wonder why we have come to view marriage as a form of imprisonment instead of an affirmation of the love and commitment that we freely give to another person. I don’t believe marriage is a trap unless one is married to the wrong person. And if one doesn’t think his/her partner is marriage material, then what is the point of making babies with that person? I guess I just can’t see the logic in having children with someone I don’t want to marry (foolish indiscretions resulting in a surprise pregnancy aside).

As I spend time trying to understand this new phenomenon, I will gleefully remain un-pregnant, unmarried, and unwilling to change the former without the latter.

Stop Or I'll Shoot

Now, I've heard the saying about stupid people bringing knives to gun fights but I have never heard of bringing semi-automatic weaponry to a health care debate. Unfortunately, the new trend seems to be attempting to threaten the President of The United States of America during his push for universal health care by bringing gigantic guns to his town hall meetings. While watching the news yesterday, I saw an idiot wearing a shirt and tie with a large gun on his shoulder and a smaller one on his hip. He chose not to identify himself to the media although he thought he was badass enough to show up to a discussion about health care with two guns attached to his body (can you say, "punk"?). His words were:

"I'm absolutely, totally against health care, health care in this way, in this manner," he said. "Stealing it from people, I don't think that's appropriate."

Um, that's all well and good but no part of him thought it was inappropriate to show up at a Presidential town hall meeting brandishing two weapons? Perhaps it would make more sense to my inner hillbilly if I could see a connection between health care and the right to bear arms. But, try as I might, my little brain just can't marry these two concepts. The only thing I see are people threatening the President in a not so subtle way all under the cloak of the second amendment. I know everything isn't racial, but many things are and I can't help but think that had I shown up at a G.W. Bush health care town hall meeting with a gun strapped to my little brown leg, I would have been tackled, beaten up, and spat upon even with an NRA card, registration card, and a note from my momma. So, I suppose what I'm really wondering is, why the life and safety of President Obama seems to be of less importance than the life, health, and welfare of all previous U.S. presidents. I think I already know the answer to that which is ultimately what has me shaking my head.

Jimmy CHOOsy Lover

To say I love shoes would be a gross understatement. There's something about the way they smell when I open the box and remove them at the shoe store. And, obviously, there is something about the way they feel on my foot. More than that, there is something about the way they make me feel. I don't just limit myself to one type of shoe. While I love stilettos the most, I also love a cute flat and an old school pair of shelltoes. There are so many choices; ankle straps, t-straps, Mary Janes, ankle boots, knee boots, pumps, round toes, square toes, pointy toes...you get my point. But regardless of the variety of shoes I love, some things remain consistent in my choices; they have to be a good fit, they can't hurt my foot, and they have to be good quality. These rules apply whether I'm wearing a four inch stiletto or a platinum colored flat. Yeah, the shoes are very different in appearance, but they still serve the same purpose; to make me look and feel good.

When I'm in a shoe store with no real purpose in mind, I often look until a pair speaks to me. They sit on the display rack and the mere sight of them conjures up a vision of me wearing them with an outfit just as fabulous as the shoes. They are made to work in concert in order to help me achieve my best look. I stare, I contemplate, I check to see if the store has my size, I try on the shoes, I walk around in them, and finally, I purchase them provided they pass all the tests. So, it's quite obvious that I'm very choosy about my shoe game and because I love shoes so much, I take the time required to make the right choice.

In thinking about how I feel when it comes to my shoes, I wonder why it is people like me put more effort into buying the things we love than we do into choosing the people we love. I like variety in men just like I do in my shoes. Some have been tall, some of average height. Some men have athletic builds while some may have a few extra pounds or are just plain skinny. Complexions have ranged from the fairest to the smoothest of dark chocolates (my absolute favorite). However, regardless of the difference in physical appearances, my expectations of those I date are no different than what I expect from a pair of shoes. He has to be a good fit, he can't hurt me, and he has to be of the highest quality.

In my conversations with women of the previous generation, I'm told that in my older age my list of preferences will grow shorter as my level of loneliness increases. I'm told that I'll stop my desire to have a man with wit and good humour and instead settle for the things on my short list like a job and all of his own teeth. And, when I look at the choices some of those women have made, I am convinced that this theory is clearly true for some. However, in the interest of raging against the machine, I don't believe it has to be this way. It makes absolutely no sense for me to ever take more care as to what I put on my foot than I do as to who I put in my heart. If a pair doesn't work and doesn't meet the requirements, they stay in the store. The fact that they are a nice color and marked down by 75% doesn't change a thing. Simply being cheap isn't reason enough to lower my expectations. It's not that way with shoes and it sure as hell shouldn't be that way with love. It is my fervent belief that we completely short change ourselves of our true happiness by assuming our age means we have to settle for the most basic needs that feed our bellies but don't satisfy our hearts. Sure, a working man is definitely a good thing just like a pair of Payless Shoe Source specials can serve to cover the foot. But when it really comes down to it, we should want Jimmy Choo in a mate, not just a pair of two dollar flip flops from Wal Mart. Sure, they can come through for you in an absolute fashion crunch, but they are usually only good for one wear before they start to fall apart and give you corns.

I know that people think I'm unreasonable to insist that we hold on to our standards regardless of the passing of time and the graying of our hair, but I believe wholeheartedly that if a man is the right one at age twenty but I don't meet him until age forty, he's still the right one for me. While I can't speak for anyone else, I refuse to settle for anything less than the absolute perfect pair.

Killer P*ssy

I tried to wait for a respectable amount of time to pass before speaking on this, and now I feel I've held my tongue long enough. Let me first say, I think it is sad and tragic that Steve McNair was murdered. I always think it unfair and evil for one person to decide that another need not live any longer. Who are any of us to decide someone should die over anything other than a case of self-defense? Regardless of the circumstances in her life, Sahel Kazemi had no right to decide that Steve McNair should die. It was not within her authority to take him away from his loved ones just because of her raging insecurities and personal financial issues. NOW, having said that, I would be remiss if I didn't speak on what I consider to be his part in all of this.

Unlike those who I consider to be mean and hateful, I don't think Steve McNair "got what he deserved". I find it entirely too cruel to say a thing like that about someone who was brutally murdered. I do, however, think that Steve fell prey to the fallout from his bad choices. He certainly wasn't the first man or woman to make a choice in a love interest that was way less than savory. I've dated cheaters, liars, those who were criminal-minded, some who were just shiftless, and even a few who had the potential to raise a hand and slap me with it. It is no more than the grace of God that kept me from being injured or financially impacted for a lifetime. And now, as I grow older, it is the wisdom God gave me that keeps me from returning to those same pitfalls. Like my mama always told me, "When you know better, you've got to do better". Sure, I could still be dating Mr. Married And Unavailable or Mr. Good Lovin' With No Job but why would I? My life experiences have taught me that neither one of those men are any good for me and that my life can in no way be enriched by dating those clowns. My self-respect, safety, and personal growth have become too valuable to me to be wasted on a man who is wack instead of wonderful. Unfortunately we all have moments when we forget ourselves. We come down with a temporary case of relationship amnesia and revert to old ways and old choices. Mr. Raggedy or Miss. Good For One Thing Only start to look good to us again. I find that this usually happens when we are depressed and feeling insecure about ourselves. There are few things that better provide us with a shallow sense of security than getting involved with someone who needs us because he is doing far worse than we are. We can throw a bone to a sorry woman and watch how it changes her life while patting ourselves on the back. It feels like a win win until the consequences start to surface.

I don't know Steve McNair's personal situation. I don't know exactly what was happening between he and his wife and I don't know what personal issues he may have been experiencing as a result of his retirement from the only career he knew. I won't even pretend to understand his plight. However, what I do understand is that he made a choice. While he probably never thought the woman he'd been wooing would murder him, he probably did know that she was wack. I mean, how often do we date someone and not know? There are always signs along the way that we choose to ignore, usually for our own selfish purposes. We suck it up for good looks, amazing sex, financial gain, or ego stroking. The downside is that these benefits are only temporary and none of those things are made to cure the very real problems we have before entering into an unhealthy relationship. For these choices, there are always consequences. The bad thing is that for Steve, the result of his choice was the loss of his life and that, to me, is the worst price to have to pay for a foolish decision.

I believe the true lesson for the living is to really consider the cost before we decide who to let into our lives. Is that sorry man or woman really the answer to our depression problem? Is a sugar daddy really who I need to date in order to get over my work furlough hump? Though I know it is easier said than done, it is a really good idea to think about what one would really be giving up for short lived pleasures. Usually one will find that it's definitely not worth it. The aftermath almost always outweighs the benefits and that's the kind of economics no man or woman can afford.

Word Up

Over the years I've heard more than my share of people misusing words in general and terms dealing with race, hate, and discrimination specifically. Considering what we may be facing for the next four years, I just thought it would be helpful to clarify the meanings of words that will undoubtedly be coming up quite a bit in the near future. This way, we can all be well informed and educated when it comes to how we choose to hate! Seriously, it helps to know what we're talking about prior to opening our mouths. Believe me, life is much simpler that way. So, here are some words to learn:

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  Racism - 1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
  2.a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
  3.hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.
  

I know it may not be popular to say so, but by the dictionary definitions I've found, racism is not specific to any one race of people and is not required to involve the ability to oppress other races unlike one's own. So, sorry black folks, but you too can be a winner! It's time to stop thinking that black folks aren't racist just because we don't have the same resources and pull to keep another race down. The fact that one believes his or her race is superior to one or all other races is enough to make one a card carrying member of the Racist Club. We cannot use color to preclude ourselves from membership. Shocking as it is, 'tis the truth y'all. Deal with it.

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  Discrimination - 1. The act of discriminating.
  2. The ability or power to see or make fine distinctions; discernment.
  3. Treatment or consideration based on class or category rather than individual merit; partiality or prejudice: racial discrimination; discrimination against foreigners.

So this is when one thinks about something or someone or even a "group of someones" and makes a decision in support of or against based on certain characteristics. Discrimination is why I won't date the dude with the Bill Cosby sweater and windbreaker pants. I take one look at him and despite his possible charm, wit, and baby-makin' practice abilities, I refuse to give him a chance because his clothing game is not up to par in my book. Now, to be quite honest, discrimination is not always a bad thing. It's discrimination that saves me from dating someone else's husband, walking in dark alleys by myself in the middle of the night, or from investing in General Motors. Unfortunately, it is also discrimination that may keep me from getting certain jobs or from being able to rent certain apartments or borrow money from certain institutions. The fact that we discriminate at all is not a problem. As a matter of fact, it is a tenet of survival. However, the fact that we discriminate based on age, race, gender, weight, and a whole host of other physical attributes with regard to places to live, schools to attend, and businesses to work is where the problem seems to reside.

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  Bigotry - 1. stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.
  2. the actions, beliefs, prejudices, etc., of a bigot. a. bigot- a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

Alright, to put this in some of the simplest terms I can think of, a bigot is like Kathy Bates as Bobby Boucher's mother in the Waterboy. She filled Bobby's head up with all matter of tomfoolery, hogwash, ballywho, and gobbledegook and taught him to be distrustful, resentful, and argumentative with anyone who told him differently. Football was the devil, girls were the devil, and any professor who tried to tell him something different about the anatomy of the brain was the devil. Bobby's poor country mama was a big fat bigot. Archie Bunker was also a bigot (and my favorite one I might add). He didn't like anything or anyone that thought, acted, or looked differently than he did. A bigot has absolutely no room in his or her heart for acceptance, tolerance, or any of the other "be kind to one another" tactics some of us may have been taught.

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  Prejudice - 1. an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.
  2. any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.
  3. unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.
  4. such attitudes considered collectively: The war against prejudice is never-ending.
  5. damage or injury; detriment: a law that operated to the prejudice of the majority.

When I was in elementary school, I learned to simply define prejudice as pre-judging someone or something. Many times we are not comfortable with a group of people or certain types of situations due to previous information we have received whether it be from the news, word of mouth, or firsthand experience. What I find to be true is that a lot of prejudice is based on stereotypes of someone or something. If we have been told by several people we know and trust that all people with brown hair are cannibals, we are prone to believe it and have an unhealthy fear or dislike for our brown-haired friends assuming that at any time, he may kills us, cut us, up, cook us, and finally, eat us. It's prejudice that makes us assume all Asian people are good at math or that all blondes are idiots. Of course it is completely unfair to make such a broad sweeping generalization given that none of us know all Asians or all blondes. Yet we still judge people in advance based on what we've heard from others or what our past experiences have been.

Now, all of these characteristics can be abominations on their own but together, they can serve to make the lives of others a living hell. These traits cause wars, deaths, collapses of businesses, destruction of families, and the tearing down of nations. And, while they are completely awful, they all are different from one another and warrant understanding a little better. With the "change" that we have experienced in America due to the last Presidential elections, the realist in me expects to see many of the qualitites increase or simply show up more often in some of our citizens. I figure if we can recognize it, perhaps we can work to counteract it. Hopefully we'll be fit for the fight.

So Why Are You Single?

Since I’ve been trying my hand at internet dating and even before that, men I meet always seem to ask the same ridiculous question; “So, why are you single?” Every time it’s asked, I take a deep breath and try to calm myself while removing all remnants of stank from my tone before responding. It’s just a question that makes me feel so frustrated.

First off, doesn’t the fact that I’m an active member of an internet dating site imply that I’m A) open to dating and B) single (more than likely)? Furthermore, aren’t those men on there so they can meet a single woman and perhaps make some kind of romantic connection? All these things lead to me think that a man should be saying something like, “I’m glad you’re single right now so I can have the chance to get to know you…” Well, maybe nothing quite that corny but you get my point. It is pretty annoying to have a potential suitor sigh, then ask in a disapproving tone why the woman he is looking to pursue hasn’t already been caught by some other guy. I mean, where is the logic?

Second, being single is not comparable to having some incurable disease. For those who aren’t surprised when they find out I’m single, there are those who seem disgusted that I am single and content to be so. They ask the question with their faces scrunched up and in that tone that says, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want to meet somebody?” While meeting “the one” is a very appealing idea, I have to say that I am quite content in my current state (insert shock here). I like myself. I like my life. I love all the good friends I have and the little bit of a social life I enjoy. I work, I go to school, I engage in some fun every now and then. Hell, I can think of a whole lot worse ways to live so why is it that men sometimes ask the “Why are you single” question as if I’ve caught something terminal? Since when did singleness become a disease? I don’t wake up in the morning, turn over realizing there is nobody next to me and suddenly begin to weep. And though this may be surprising, I don’t cry myself to sleep at night due to the realization there isn’t a man who will be joining me. Truth be told, I sleep quite well and probably best when I’m sleeping alone. Perhaps it’s a symptomof the single person’s disease I’ve contracted. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m actively dating for a reason. I’m hoping for the same connection that many others want. I love love. I think it’s wonderful when two people connect in a real way and really enjoy one another’s presence. I love to be able to sit in silence with someone without feeling awkward or out of place. It’s that comfortability factor that appeals to me. However, even without that, my life feels full and the fact that I’m hoping this man will eventually find me doesn’t prevent me from living my life to the fullest. I’m not waiting for this guy so I can begin to live. I’m waiting for him so we can put our two lives together and make something even more special than what we already have. To the untrained eye, this seems like crazy talk but trust me; all single people are not that way because they caught Singleitis.

So, while I know men won’t stop asking me this stupid question, I continue to dream of the day when it will be stricken from all pre-dating conversation. Until then I’ll continue to swallow the stank and answer with my usual, “I’m single because I’m not taken”. I figure that answer makes as much sense as the question.