Self Help or Help Your Damn Self?

First it was The Rules, followed by He's Just Not That Into You, followed by The Re-Education Of The Female, and now it's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I can hardly keep myself from coming unglued every time I see a new relationship book on the shelves which, interestingly enough, always seem to be aimed at women. I suppose it's mostly because we are stupid enough to run out and spend our last twenty on them while men couldn't care less what the hell we're thinking (Remember that movie, What Women Think? Well it wasn't men who went to see it.). Unfortunately, to me, all of these books not only have the fact that they are aimed at women in common, they also seem to have certain qualities that bring out the worst in the female gender.

I've yet to meet a woman who read one of these types of books without suffering from feelings of worthlessness, a lack of desirability, and a doubt in herself regarding all the qualities she possesses that make her great. Instead of turning into a well-informed, objective minded, "man savvy" woman, she becomes a desperate, game-playing, subservient, wuss who spends all her time clinging to the book's rules out of her insecurity and fear that she may lose her ultimate prize; some guy.

Now, please don't get me wrong; I fully support ALL adults seeking objective and varying opinions regarding life and love in the romantic arena. While I'm not one who is interested in reading any of the above listed books, I do believe certain publications can be helpful as can be the opinions of male friends and family members or even advice from one's clergy or therapist. However, I feel the real problem is that some women are so desperate to be loved by a man that they will listen to any yahoo with a publisher. I mean, just because a self-help book makes it to the shelves, it doesn't mean that the advice is good. When did women start running out of common sense and running into the relationship self-help section of Borders so that some guy who probably hasn't had one healthy relationship his damn self can tell them where they are going wrong? And how is it that the onus of all things romantic rests solely on the shoulders of the woman? All these books advise women to do so many things contradictory to common sense that it's no wonder the ones who rush to read them are either still by themselves and thoroughly confused as to why or in a relationship in which she's merely playing a role based upon what she read while fearing the day her facade cracks and she breaks one of "the rules" or slips into her old self after being "re-educated". After reading everything that goes against who she is, she can't tell shit from shinola or mutual interest from "he's just not that into her".

And, yes, I know full well that some women are not fit for relationships. I know we can be snide, non supportive, ball breaking, shrill individuals at times. I get that and continue to work on my own imperfections where romance is concerned. In addition to working on those, I also continue to remember everything about me that is amazing. I remember all the things that make me a great catch. I remember my ability to listen well, my desire to go the extra mile for those I love, my witty sense of humor, my fashion sense, my pragmatic approach to problems, my excellent conversational skills, my nice smooth legs, my ability to soothe, my pretty God-given cocoa skin, and the fact that I can take care of business when needed. I wish I thought about the good qualities I possess more often. Hell, I wish all women would take their positive attributes into consideration more often. The more time we spend focused on our positive personality traits instead of just what we perceive to be our flaws and the more time we spend trying to put our best AND real selves forward instead of playing the games taught to us in books, the more we will start to understand that we are truly the treasure that real men seek. Just to clarify, I'm not releasing women of all the crap we do that makes it hard for a man who wants to love us stick around but I am saying that we need to spend time thinking about what's right about us just as we spend time thinking about what's "wrong" about us.

The fact that we seem to be the only ones snatching these books off the shelves and feverishly scrambling towards the counter to purchase them tells me that we seem to be the only ones responsible for the demise of any and all relationships. According to these books, if a relationship ends it's because the woman was too fat, didn't cook enough, didn't clean enough, didn't give the proper blow job, or didn't wear slutty enough clothes around the house while engaging in the aforementioned chores. She called on day two instead of day three. She accepted the first date offer instead of playing games and pretending she had an overly booked social calendar or maybe she changed a light bulb herself without offering her man an opportunity to do so (clutch chest and gasp here). While I'm sure that all of these things may make certain men feel good about themselves and their "manliness", I don't think these actions are the answer to keeping all women in a relationship. Besides, if a woman doesn't embody these things, she'd only hurt herself by pretending to just for the sake of being with a man. I guess I'm just from the logical school of thought focused on the believe that whoever is for me will appreciate the way I look, the way I think, what I do or don't cook, and the clothes that I wear. Besides, how confident, self-assured, and intelligent is a man really if he needs a woman to do any and everything to keep him all out of fear of him leaving her? He doesn't sound like a very good find to me.

I suppose in essence, I just wish that women would stop always looking to some random author of some random relationship book to help them and instead spend some time helping their damn selves. Spend some time in self-reflection. We should spend some time turning over past relationships in our minds and the cause of their demise. Women should start thinking about what it is they believe makes them the beautiful beings that they are and stop looking to some guy who can't keep it together to help them with these things. Once we start to realize what a prize we are, we will attract the man who appreciates it all. Ladies, help your damn selves for a change.

There's More Than One Whore Here...

In the days where paparazzi follow folks around who are famous for being famous I suppose not much should surprise or irritate me but I just have to say that I'd like to give Elizabeth Edwards a "Get The Hell Out Of Here" award. While I'm more than sure that it's difficult to deal with a cheating husband, being in the public eye, and raising a family all while dealing with the concept that the end of her life is being accelerated, I still have to say that she, like many before her, has annoyed me this week.

It started with the preview on tv about her being on Oprah to talk about her "pain and humiliation". Then today, there was a brief story on her on the world news. I'm sorry, but I can think of at least twenty things off the top of my head that are far more important than this woman's husband cheating. Um, aren't we in a recession? Aren't there two wars in which we're involved? What about Wilbur The Pig Flu? Isn't that some kind of health epidemic? How in all that is happening in our world that impacts the population at large, is this woman's story relevant?

I know I probably sound mean and insensitive. Afterall, this woman has and is clearly suffering, right? Well, while I can imagine that she is experiencing some emotional angst, I just have to say that I don't care enough to want to know the details and frankly I have enough drama of my own to keep me from reveling in hers. Maybe it's just me but it seems incredibly self-indulgent to go on a mini media blitz to tell one's story of shame, infidelity, suffering, and anger as if we all don't have enough problems of our own. Lots of women have been cheated on and have figured out their paths in spite of it. What makes this woman any different? I mean, the story hasn't even been in the news for months. She actually chose to dredge it all back up for some type of sick personal gain. I highly doubt that many of us have been sitting around wondering and worrying for the past few months how she and John were getting along since the "incident".

In a segment played from her interview with Oprah, she made some sort of reference about how difficult it is to build a marriage, how women should be more respectful of other women's marriages, and that it is not okay to see someone else's situation and decide to pursue it for yourself. It seemed an uppity way to call out the mistress and tell her what a huge whore she was for chasing John Edwards. And while the sentiment may have some truth to it, I couldn't help but think that there is now more than one "whore" involved. There's the one who sought to destroy a decades long relationship but there is also one who now seeks the attention of the media and the American public in order to gain sympathy. And to me, each form of whoring is disgusting.

I understand infidelity in a marriage can be painful. Hey, I've been there myself. I just feel like good friends, good clergy, good books, and a good therapist are a much better solution than whoring one's self in front of the world. Elizabeth, I say go in the house, take a nice warm bath, pour yourself a glass of your favorite wine, put your feet up, and spend what time you have enjoying what's good about your life instead of whining to me and the rest of the world about what's wrong with it. Just a thought.

And I Wonder

I remember when Arsenio Hall would always bring up strange or senseless things going on in the world and refer to them as, "Things that you go hmmm....". Well, I have to say that I, like Arsenio, often wonder just what the hell is going on sometimes. I look around at what people are doing, what is being reported on the news, and even what folks come out of the house wearing and I wonder. I wonder about the state of my world and I wonder if it's ever going to get better. The infractions range from the minute to the most ridiculous things I've ever seen or heard. Anyway, this blog entry will probably grow over time with entries on that which continues to perplex me because I never cease to be stumped by some of the tomfoolery I see.

• Can someone please explain to me the purpose of the creepy black lady in the Ikea commercials? I mean, who is she? Why is she lurking about in my Ikea furnished bedroom whilst I sleep? And why is this older black woman who by all appearances probably has never shopped in Ikea, the weird spokesperson for the store right now?
• Why do people on tv always eat Chinese food straight from the carton? I mean, when I buy Chinese food, it's for everyone who is eating. We get plates and dish it up. I don't understand why I would need a pint of chicken chow mein all to myself.
• Why is it that whenever I ride by a road worker site, most of the workers are not working? There's usually one guy one a piece of equipment doing his thing while the others stand around and look bored. Why am I paying for this?
• I would like to know why the commercials on tv are ten times louder than the program being watched. It's annoying having to keep changing the volume and I don't like the thought of my television hollering at me. Especially when I'm paying for it.

It's A Golden Rule Too

I've tried so incredibly hard to remain silent on this matter because I hate the whole bandwagon thing and I can't claim to be an expert on something I didn't even see. However, something happened the other night that has caused me to feel the need to talk about this. Just so you know, I'm starting this whole thing off with a really deep and loud sigh. The other night while driving I did something I rarely do. I turned on the radio. What I heard when I turned it on was something that reminded me of why I rarely listen to anything but NPR or cds and how it amazes me that people can be so hypocritical and not even know they are doing it. I'm sure by now you're wondering what in the world I'm talking about. I'm referring to the ridiculous song, "Chris Brown Should Get His Ass Kicked" by Smoke Jumpers. While I do have to admit that the bit was pretty "sick" as so passionately stated in the song, I also must admit that the song pissed me off to say the least. Now before anyone gets angry and thinks I condone domestic violence, I just need to get a few things off my chest.

I remember that at the beginning of each of my elementary school years the teacher would lay out the class rules. One of the top three rules was always "Keep your hands, feet, and objects to yourself". I thought the first two things made sense but always wondered about "objects". I suppose that had to be in the wording for the idiots who would throw a desk at another kid and then argue that he shouldn't get in trouble because afterall, it wasn't a hand or a foot. Anyway, even though the rule is elementary, it's something that I still carry with me today and I wish more people would do the same. Nope, I don't think it was okay for Chris Brown to attack Rihanna, if that is in fact what happened at all. However, I have to say that it is A) equally wrong for a woman to put her hands on a man and B) incredibly hypocritical for radio personalities and anyone else to tout the virtues of this new song while still condoning many of the other popular tunes on the airways.

When revisiting the "Hands, feet, and objects" rule, I noticed that it isn't gender specific. The sentence doesn't start with, "BOYS, keep your hands, feet, and objects to yourself". There is no part B to the rule that says "GIRLS, please understand that boys are required to keep their hands, feet, and objects to themselves but this does not expressly apply to you, Princess". There is a reason for the rule being written the way it is. That reason is that NOBODY should be putting his or her hands on ANYBODY else. As someone who has experienced domestic violence on a personal level, I definitely don't speak to defend anyone who perpetrates it but I firmly believe that males and females are done a great disservice due to the social more that expressly says a real man should never hit a woman instead of decent people never lay their hands on each other in any way that isn't loving. People need to take responsibility for their actions. Not only do men need to own up to their choices but so do women. I've been involved with a few men that I considered hitting over the head with the nearest object but I always refer to the elementary rule and I also consider the fact that I don't want to be with anyone who would make me even consider hitting him as an option. A man that would upset me to that degree has no business being in my life and I feel the same needs to apply to any man or woman feeling the urge to engage in angry physical contact with a significant other. However, this lack of balance in what we teach our children and adults isn't the only thing that pisses me off about this whole scenario. I'm also appalled by the hypocrisy.

My assumption is that Smoke Jumpers recorded that song because they, like many, were appalled that this man (allegedly) put his hands on a young woman and beat her. My other assumption is that radio stations are playing the song ( and boycotting Chris Brown songs) because they firmly believe that what allegedly happened on that night was an absolute abomination. The one time I heard the song, the radio personality's voice rang out with an air of of indignation and judgment as he fervently stated how much he liked the song and its message. What really kills me the most is that while there is a moratorium at many stations on playing Chris Brown music, there is no moratorium on disrespecting women in non-physical ways. There are still hoes in different area codes, bust it babies, pimps on wax, and songs about strippers, groupies, chicken heads, and baby mommas of the worst varieties. It's still okay to "supersoak that ho" all while accompanying it with a special dance. I suppose all of this is alright just as long as the song isn't about beating a woman because God forbid a man put his hands on a woman. However, disrespecting her by calling her a bitch, ho, slut, trick, or bust it baby is all good because that is not a hands on activity. Excitedly, interviewing men who refer to themselves as pimps on a radio show or video show is all good. Seeing your good friend on the street and greeting him with, "What's happenin' pimpin' " is alright even though it is common knowledge that pimps beat their hoes to "keep them in line". I keep wondering when people will wake up. We cannot choose one crime and claim it to be the most heinous against women and then turn around and call the same women we are claiming to defend everything but a nice young lady. That is hypocrisy of the worst degree and sends yet another mixed message whose fallout is something for which we will never be prepared.

Perhaps I'll put out an album naming off who all I think should receive an ass kicking and trust me, Chris Brown wouldn't even make my top ten. Until that day, I'm going to continue to keep my hands, feet, objects, and hypocrisy to myself.

Why I Love The Camera Phone

I hate having my picture taken. I've never been photogenic and have mostly hated every picture other people have taken of me since I was old enough to care. I have to admit that all of that changed with the invent of the camera phone. Now my camera phone pics are everywhere. They are on my My Space page. They are on my online dating page. I use them for my email signature block. Hell, they've even made their way to my family's website. I know this may scream narcissism for some, but for me there is something incredibly magical about self portraits courtesy of the camera phone.

First off, I can provide the best possible lighting for my picture. As anyone who knows me and has been inside my apartment can tell you, I prefer the lighting over my bathroom sink to any other place. It's perfect. It's not too dark, not too light, and the wall I painted green makes for a lovely backdrop. Background is a key element in a camera phone photo.

Secondly, camera phone pictures allow me to take advantage of the mirrors in the house. Sometimes those mirrors can make or break a camera phone pic. I use them to trick the phone and most importantly to avoid taking a picture of myself in which I am seen holding the damn phone in front of my face. I mean, when will people learn to stop doing that? The phone does not belong in the photo! Nobody wants a picture of someone holding a phone in front of her face in what is obviously the bathroom as evident by the hamper and toilet complete with lid up. Geez, let's step up our game people!

Third, I really, really love the camera phone pic because I can change the angles. I've learned that turning my phone keeps my head from looking like it belongs to an NFL linebacker. Holding it at a certain angle also cuts down on the unwelcome appearance of my extra necks and chins. I can also get up close to show off the eye makeup that I manage to apply once every lunar eclipse. The camera phone is a true blessing.

Now, I do have to be realistic and say that I'm still not photogenic. Even though I've learned most of the tricks it takes in order for my pictures to turn out well, I still am working with a five bad to every one good picture ratio. However, at least I have the opportunity to delete that picture myself. I get to avoid the humiliation of someone seeing me in a less than flattering picture leaving me feeling powerless. No longer do I have to stand or sit uncomfortably and wait for someone to take a picture of me while I'm anxiously thinking about how awful or fat or both I'm going to look once that pic is developed. The camera phone has made me the master of my own photogenics. Let's all raise our glasses to the mighty camera phone. Salud.

Just To Get The Booty

Back when I was married, I would occasionally lament to my husband that he had stopped doing all the little things I liked that he used to do while we dating. I would say things like, "How come you never surprise me at work with flowers anymore?" or "Remember when you used to buy me little toys for my desk? What happened to that?" My husband had one standard answer for my questions; "Oh, I was just doing that to get the booty". This leads me to wonder just how many of the things people do for one another during the course of a courtship are actually heartfelt and how many of those things are done "just to get the booty".

Of course many women would say that they aren't just as guilty as the men in these areas but I would have to beg to differ. While a man's motivation may be to get into a woman's pants, often a woman's motivation is to either get in a man's wallet or to get her name next to his on a marriage certificate. I have a friend who desperately wants to be married. She told me that she tries to keep her hair done, her makeup on, and her weight down because she knows this will increase her marketability with men. She further explained to me that once she gets a man to marry her, she will no longer have to do all of the things she did before because she'd be a married woman. Wow, right?

Now some may find my friend's actions pretty crazy but her way of thinking is no worse than my ex-husband's. It's all an exercise in bait and switch tactics used for personal gain be it a change in marital status or another person to add to the "I hit that" list. Perhaps I am of a dying breed, but I am a very firm believer that the things one does to get someone are the same things one should do to keep him or her. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be fooled into la relationship with the allure of certain qualities only to find that I've gotten myself into a relationship with some unromantic, self-centered, nut-scratchin', belchin' and fartin', fool. Especially not when I started out with an attentive, romantic, caring, compassionate, well-groomed, and handsome gentleman. I can't really speak for men but I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about women.

I think a lot of the bait and switch could be counteracted if we all focused on trying to get the most meaning out of our romantic relationships instead of taking the shallow route and just trying to settle for any husband or any piece of tail. When we focus on what's really important and connect to someone who really means something to us, we won't have to worry about him or her just trying to get the booty. We'll automatically be glad to give it up.

Sorry Melvin, You Got To Die

I suppose after thirty plus years of watching television I should be used to some things. Unfortunately, no matter how many shows I watch or how many years go by, I still get annoyed by the fact that the black guy has to be the first to die no matter what show it is. For some reason (most likely lack of anything else to watch) I ended up watching One Tree Hill (yuck) last night. As far as I can see, there are only two black people on the show and probably in the entire town. A basketball coach (of course) and a younger member of the basketball team (go figure). The student goes into a gas station and unwittingly walks in on a robbery where the thief has already killed the store clerk. All I could do was shake my head. Not in surprise, you see, for I already know that on a show where there is one person who stands out, that character will most likely be the first to die. So, the next episode’s trailer shows all the sad white folks going to the boy’s funeral. I don’t even know why I let it bother me anymore. I should be completely used to it, but it still seems unfair. There are, however, ways one can tell the black guy is going to die so that one can avoid watching in the first place:

1)He is the only black person on the show. This means there is no one with which to pair him up (it happens sometimes but is highly unlikely they will pair him up with the white woman).

2)He is a rough around the edges thug in a town full of middle to upper-middle-class white folks who take him on as a charity case.

3)He is needed in order for the high school or college team to win the championship (after the big game, there is no longer a need for his presence so he may as well get killed).

If you, like me, are tired of Melvin always being the first to die, watch for these signs and avoid further annoyance.