Let's Do Better

I'm not really the biggest fan of New Year's resolutions. I find that they are a foolproof way to disappoint one's self or to make one's self look like the biggest loser ever (and not the good kind that are on tv losing weight). So, with that said, I decided while reflecting on my 2008, that I would not decide on one specific goal but that I would do everything in my power to live my life better in 2009 than I did last year. My consistent "resolution" is to improve in all areas I can with each passing year. So, in the name of all of that, I've compiled a list of things to help me and my people do better in 2009:

• Do regular breast cancer self-exams. Lumps are only good in Cream of Wheat.
• Start speaking life. Cut down on the negative speak and change your reality.
• Read books with more than 100 pages and sans pictures.
• Look up "sans"
• Watch at least two documentaries that aren't about dead rappers
• Recycle
• Stop throwing crap out of your car window.
• Work toward financial independence.
• Give up plastic bags and use canvas bags instead.
• Eat some vegetables everyday and accept the fact that corn is NOT a vegetable, people. Sheesh.
• Smile more. It really will make you feel better.
• Visit a museum. Try to see something on display besides the latest Jordans.
• Learn at least one new word per week. Switch up your vocab, playa, it won't hurt.
• Remember that panties belong underneath clothes and should never be peeking out of the top of a pair of pants or the bottom of a pair of shorts.
• Do some volunteer work.
• Mail at least one handwritten letter to a loved one.
• Buy a cd from a genre that you don't normally like.
• Send thank you cards when etiquette calls for it.
• Learn etiquette. It never killed anyone to know a salad fork form a dinner fork.
• Cook a gourmet meal for your friends.
• Go out of town at least twice for something other than a club.
• Buy yourself at least one high end item be it a purse, shoes, slacks... just get yourself something nice that did not come from a store that sells both clothes and antifreeze.
• If you are a rapper, please refrain from writing a song that contains the words, Obama along with b*tch, ho, p*ssy, f*ck, lick, or suck. Some things just don't go together.
• Pay your bills on time.
• Get your oil changed regularly (at least every four months)
• Brush your teeth before bed (I'm trying to incorporate this one)
• Check your blood pressure regularly.
• Watch or read some news each day (Nope, Sports Center doesn't count).
• Exercise at least three times a week (Yes, pop, lock, and droppin' it counts).

These are just a few suggestions to help us do better and be better for 2009. If you have some you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them!

The President of the United States of America

I know it isn't the politically correct thing to say but I really don't care right now. I'm gayed out this week. I know some gay people. Some I love, some I like, and some I absolutely can't stand but my feelings about being gay in general aren't what's making me so irritable this week. Yesterday I heard first thing in the morning on CNN, heard on my way to work on NPR, and read from my desk online at work about many folks in the LGBT community being angry with President-Elect, Barack Obama, for choosing Rick Warren to do the invocation at his Presidential Inauguration. The recurring themes I saw, heard, and read were, "We feel this is a personal attack" , "How could he do this to us when we supported and rallied for his presidential win?", "Doesn't he realize what he is doing to us with his choice? Rick Warren doesn't approve of our lifestyle", and my favorite, "How can he pick him when he supported Proposition 8?" And, to be as fair as I can be in my current mood, I understand that the LGBT community is pretty pissed off about the prospect of being denied the right to legally marry in California and were I the one being impacted, I'd be angry too. I recognize and understand that many of them feel disrespected and slighted. I get it. I really do. However, when will people wake up and realize that Barack Obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America? He is not the President-Elect of Gay America or Black America or Financially Challenged America or Rich America. He is the the President-Elect and soon to be President of the United States of America. He didn't run on a platform to champion all gay issues or all black issues. He ran on a platform of issues that impact all Americans and the sooner folks start to understand that, the better they will fair over the next four years. One of the things Obama fought so hard against during his campaign was the possibility of being beholden to special interest groups. While most of us hear that word and think about big oil companies, Hollywood producers, and evangelicals (by the way, where did that term come from? It seems synonymous with "snobby white man who thinks he knows what's best for everyone else"), it doesn't just stop there. It includes LGBT organizations and groups like the NAACP who represent certain cross-sections of the American population and their interests. It seems to me that if we really believe in what this man represents, we will back off a bit and let him do his job for the American people as a whole. It seems completely wrong to me to lord our votes over the man while trying to manipulate him to bend to our will. Besides, doesn't it seem hypocritical to attempt to make the President-Elect force the sort of behavior and thought process on a man that the LGBT community seems to already be fighting against everyday? How can I passionately argue for equality as long as it only applies to people who look like and live like me without appearing to be the biggest hypocrite ever? And since when is who delivers the invocation at a Presidential inauguration so extremely important? Why is persecution of someone for his beliefs okay as long as he thinks the opposite of a certain group of people? I thought this was America. One of the many things that makes it such a great place to be is the fact that we aren't all being forced to think and act the same way. We get to use our minds and make our own decisions whether it be one regarding who we share a bed with or where we worship on Sundays if we choose to worship at all. We get to choose what bubble to fill in when it's time to vote for a ballot measure, proposition, and those running for public office. These are the things that make America great and how can we possibly say we love these freedoms when we don't protect them for all people and yes, that means even the ones who don't think the way we do. I don't think Obama should have to go through a gay checklist before allowing any person to do a job for him in the White House or at his personal parties. And while I'm quite sure I will be blacked out, democrated out, republicaned out, and evangelicaled out many times before the end of the next four years, I still believe we must allow ourselves to think the way we believe while opening ourselves up to respectful and thoughtful dialogue from people with opposing thoughts. In the meantime, let's leave the running of our country to the future President of the United States of America.

He Went To Jared (Ugh)

I hate the jewelry commercials on tv. Two or three women sitting together with one gushing because some guy bought her an engagement ring while the others stare dreamy-eyed desperately trying to mask their envy while hoping that one day they'll "luck out" and get one too. Aside from the obvious sickening corniness of the commercials, I've noticed that the man always seems super calm and somewhat removed as he presents this all-important piece of jewelry. I suppose it's easy to be cool when he knows that the likelihood of being turned down is slim to none. In these commercials women look like desperate damsels and men seem like ring-bearing Lotharios. This makes me think I really hate those commercials less for their stomach-turning corny features and more for what they imply about the relationships between men and women.

I'll be the first to say that I think getting engaged is good news, provided one is engaged to the right person. Getting married is good news as well. (Provided the parties involved followed the aforementioned guideline of engagement.) I'm certainly not against romance and commitment in any way. I am, however, completely against the stereotype of the woman who eagerly awaits the invitation to marry some man so that her life can begin and the equally annoying stereotype of the man who is so aware that the woman is desperate that he can cure all ills with a little rock from the closest jewelry store.

I keep wondering how relationships reached this level of superficiality. I wonder when we got to the point where everything could be fixed with a wedding ceremony. If at least one woman would ask me, I'd tell her that getting married to the wrong person only serves to magnify all the existing problems. It doesn't fix anything. It just creates a miserable existence which is certainly not worth the ability to say she's now "Mrs. So and So" instead of plain old, "Miss". I would tell her how getting caught up in the "He Went To Jared" phenomenon without any real forethought or investigation into who he really is and how healthy the relationship really is for her, can ruin her peace of mind, her good thoughts about herself, and even her credit. I would tell her that just because something looks good on paper doesn't mean it looks good on her life. I would tell her that regret is a bitch and trying to save face in front of friends and family isn't an easy task.

Please don't get me wrong. Again, I totally support healthy courtships, healthy engagements, and even healthier marriages. I love the idea and look forward to the day when I experience one. However, it is that concept women and men should cling to without being willing to just settle for the ring.

Special Delivery

What does she have that I don't have? What did I do to make my parent leave me? What is so horrible about me that caused my romantic relationship or platonic friendship to end? Why did he/she do me like that? I'm sure at some point in time we have all asked these exact questions or one of its many variations. I certainly have wondered in my life how I could have changed the outcome of a situation by being a different person. I've thought maybe if I was thinner, prettier, smarter, wittier, funnier, more subservient, more accommodating, or smiled more often, perhaps I could have prevented the end of one of my human relationships. And while I'm sure that maybe I could work on and benefit from being more of all of the aforementioned, I have learned that a lot of the time it simply A) isn't my fault and B) is the absolute best result for which I could have hoped.

I know it sounds as if I'm absolving myself of any wrongdoing or responsibility for the end of certain familial, romantic, and platonic relationships but that isn't what I'm doing at all. I've said before that the ending of any type of toxic relationship is imperative for our own personal survival but I didn't speak to those relationships we think are good for us. The ones we are enjoying. The ones we crave when it's late at night. Some relationships are formed in such a way that we think we absolutely cannot survive without them and even if the opportunity to escape them presented itself, we would absolutely refuse it even if it really was the best thing for us.

Fortunately, God has a way of taking care of these strange bonds for us so that we can learn how that which we thought we could not live without is really so extraneous that we wonder why we ever thought we needed it in the first place. Sure, it takes a good amount of time to draw that conclusion in some cases but I've yet to find it to be wrong.

When discussing her mother's abandonment of her as a child, a very wise woman told me that once she got past the hurt of being left by the one person a child should be able to count on, she realized one very important point. Her mother didn't abandon her but instead she was delivered from the additional pain she would have endured had her mother been in her life to raise her. Sure, she suffered some pain and disappointment but once she realized how much worse her life would have been had her mother stuck around, she was grateful to not have to deal with the fallout.

So I've learned and am continuing to learn that she had a most valid point. I look back at all the folks who are no longer in my life because they chose to leave and I have to say that I do not regret their departure once the smoke clears. That girl didn't hurt my feelings by ending our "good" friendship, she saved me from her craziness. My father didn't destroy me by never being an active participant in my life. He helped to orchestrate my rescue from his destructiveness. And the man who didn't want to be with me but instead wanted to be with someone else? I wasn't dumped. I was DELIVERED.

I suppose as in most life situations, it's simply a lesson in perspective. Tomatoe tomato if you will. When I think of all the harm I've avoided because someone left me, instead of being hurt and disappointed, I am grateful for being rescued by way of a special delivery.

Around What Does Your Revolution Revolve?

In my generation it seems to be fashionable, fancy, fun, and cutting edge to speak about REVOLUTION. I mean, after all, many of the most prominent figures in African American history were revolutionaries. It sounds cool to bring up in conversation or conjure up in a poem the names of Mary McLeod Bethune, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman 0r Brother Malcolm and there's nothing better than feeling extra smart and enlightened in front of a bunch of lessors. However, I've gotta say that all the talk is meaningless if there is no action following the gum flapping.

Gil said that the revolution wouldn't be televised. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me that it also won't be on the radio, in the newspaper, in blogs, in community centers, in government agencies, in our actions, or even in churches. He didn't tell me that the revolution would be invisible. Left to our own devices my generation seems inspired to speak yet uninspired to act upon those words. We talk an amazing game, but have nothing to back it up. In thinking about many of the people I know who love to holler out the word, REVOLUTION, I can think of a small few, if any really, who are actually turning the revolutionary wheel. Almost nobody volunteers in their respective communities. Nobody is tutoring. Nobody is mentoring. Nobody is feeding the hungry. Nobody is caring for the elderly. Nobody is starting a business. Nobody is donating money. And so, I have to ask, if one is so damned revolutionary, around what does that revolution revolve? What is at the center of this imaginary revolution I keep hearing about?

We scream revolution every chance we get yet we can't even manage to get young brothas to pull up their pants and stop providing unsolicited peep shows to the unfortunate souls around them. We pump our tightly balled fists in the air while wearing a black glove but we can't wait to put our arms down so we can run home to watch the latest booty shakin' video on BET. We extol the virtues of the beautiful revolutionary black woman but can't stop ourselves from calling her a ho or bitch. So, again, I'm trying to figure out around what this revolution I keep hearing about revolves? Sure, lighting incense is nice. Wearing one's hair in it's natural state is great. Putting some black art up on the walls is chic. However, what does any of that mean when it's time for action?

If the goal is truly to be revolutionary, then we can shock the world by doing the unimaginable. We can shut our mouths and get to work. It's hard to be revolutionary when one is talking all the time instead of doing. Let's put down the facade and pick up the real work. Now that is revolutionary.

They Don't Date No Mo'

Corny as it sounds, when I watched Happy Days as a kid I always thought Joanie and Richie's realities would someday be mine as well. Every Friday or Saturday night they seemed to be getting ready for a date. For some reason I took this to mean that as a teen/young adult, I'd have some kind of social calendar marked with steady dates. Boy was I mistaken. While I'm sure at some time people went on dates on a regular basis, it seems that in 2008 a date is an anomaly of sorts. At the overly ripe age of thirty four, I could probably count the number of actual dates I've had outside of the two or three boyfriends I've had in adulthood. I have to believe that something is wrong with that. So now I'm wondering what happened to the age old custom of dating. Of course I considered all the possibilities first; maybe I'm not very attractive, perhaps it's my ongoing disagreement with my bulging belly, or maybe I just don't seem all that interesting. However, at the risk of sounding unrealistically confident, I have to say that I don't think this change in tradition has anything at all to do with me. Removing myself from the equation still enables me to see the many young, attractive, intelligent, responsible, funny, and ambitious women I know who seem like viable choices on paper but suffer from consistent datelessness.

So, after all this pondering I still can't seem to pinpoint one specific reason why there is a dating drought these days but I do feel there may be several factors contributing to the demise of the Friday night date.

Young people no longer seem to socialized to date. Sure, lots of young people, particularly the young men, are encouraged to play the field but while that term once meant to wine and dine many different women until he could get his fill, it now seems to mean sleep with as many women as you can without spending a dime. How a date in the "olden" days used to consist of food and drink and perhaps a movie has changed to a glass of juice, a rented movie, and some pillow play. The whole idea of what constitutes a "date" has changed.

Now, people no longer date to see if they like a person. Now, they drink the juice, watch the movie and get naked then decide whether or not the person is likable and worthy of an "out in the public, real live, date". Somehow, we ended up functioning in reverse and backwards has become the new sensible. I haven't gotten there yet and am trying my very best to avoid coming along for the ride. Besides, I have found it incredibly difficult and mind numbing to get a cart to pull a horse.

Perhaps a little of it is the economy. I'm sure that at one point one could have had a good date with $25 (back when stamps were still around ten cents). Nowadays, a movie for two is $20 not to mention the additional $10- $15 it costs to buy snacks. Then dinner is going to be another $40 for a cheap restaurnt. I can understand why a man would wanna be sure about liking a woman before spending such a large amount of money. However, there are other ways to enjoy a cost effective date without completely blowing the budget. There are coffee dates, dessert dates, going for a walk and eating some ice cream dates, and even sitting on a park bench with a hot dog dates. I figure if a man is curious enough about me, he'll suggest one of those at the very least.

I think single people are also jaded these days. Traditional dating has gotten such bad press that folks are too busy trying to protect their over sized egos to take someone out. They figure paying for a date would kill their reputations and set them up to have some unsavory person take advantage of their kindness. Sure, the worst does happen sometimes but I refuse to believe that it's all the time. I think that if more people at least invested more time (before more money) talking to and getting to know a person, they wouldn't have to be so afraid about spending some money on dinner or some other type of activity.

Even though I know that many people seem bitter, upset, untrained, and downright illogical about the concept of "the date", I still cling to my old-fashioned, Happy Days ways and cling to the hope that I'll begin to have them more than once in a blue moon. I believe that if single people really want to, we can improve upon the bad name that dating has gotten. We'd probably all have better success with relationships if we spent more time talking and dating each other instead of quickly hopping into Horizontal Happyland. I believe dating can be good for the soul.

Woooosaaaa...

I'm exhausted. I feel like I haven't slept the best sleep in at least six months or taken a proper deep breath in the past eighteen. I already feel that it's cliche, but I really didn't ever think I would live to see the day when a black man would be preparing to lead my country. While his blackness certainly didn't dictate my vote, I can definitely say that a combination of his platform and swagger certainly did. The fact that he looks like he could be in my family is simply frosting on an already delicious cake.

He seems unflappable but not unmoved by the perplexing circumstances that surround him. He can seem stoic but also possesses the ability to comfort someone with a sincere touch. Nope, the brotha doesn't walk on water and I sure as hell don't want him to. That's what we have Jesus for. Now we have Obama for something else entirely.

Admittedly, I felt proud when I watched him walk out onto the stage, game face on, standing confidently behind that podium, testicles well intact (no thanks to Jesse). His look implied he had his mind on his mission and the desire to give the American public real talk about the work ahead. I came across people age 50+ who were registering and voting for the first time. I also came across some who hadn't bothered casting a ballot in years because the disenfranchisement had settled deep into their souls. So, while seeing him on that stage made me cry from amazement at what the American public was able to do simply by choosing to engage in the political process, I was also afraid and sad.

Nope, it wasn't the kind of fear on which his opposition seemed to have been running for the past eight years. It was the kind of fear that worries about the safety of my President-Elect. It was fear based on logic and the knowledge of the truth that while many support him, many who are angry, bitter, resentful, and even narrow-minded may seek to harm him instead of just resolving to disagree with his views. I felt sad that his every triumph as well as every misstep will be scrutinized to the point of oblivion. I shook my head at the possibility of black leaders attempting to hold him solely responsible for the plight of African-Americans in my country all the while expecting some type of hand out or hook up based on skin tone alone. I felt sad that he inherited a financial disaster and diplomatic disappointment. Despite my fears about what may happen, I knew in my heart that no matter how heartfelt and real his intentions are, he would be successful in my book if he managed to accomplish one third of what he wants to do within a four year span. I will say, however, that although I remain realistic about my expectations of what's ahead, my pride and excitement far outweighed my fear and sadness.

Today I got to witness history. I got to see something that I always thought of as an impossibility in my lifetime on this earth. Today I got to go to my polling place and fill in a bubble for someone I honestly believe. For the first time since I was old enough to vote, I drove away from that polling place feeling as if what I'd just done truly mattered. So, even though I'm a little nervous about his safety and the safety of all his appendages, I am more than hopeful about the direction the country in which I live will take during the next four years. I'm hopeful that that which is now reality will change and a new reality will spring up in its place. I am positive that we will be better off because of it.